During the holidays (but not only then), our budgets often go off the rails as we exhaust ourselves searching for gifts that will at least make a good impression, if not unlock the deep joy of the recipient’s heart. In this frenzy, however, we must not forget that we are teaching our children, consciously or unconsciously, valuable lessons about the meaning of giving.
Looking back at the toys available to children a century and a half ago, we find objects that many of us have only read about or heard described, as well as others that have traveled through time with some significant aesthetic upgrades: paper hats and boats, rag balls, drums and trumpets, tin soldiers, wooden hobby horses, building blocks, and dolls made of wood, cloth, or porcelain. Some were universally accessible, like rolling hoops, while others were luxury items reserved for the well-to-do, such as dolls that could talk or had moveable arms and heads.
By comparison, such toys seem rather plain today. Modern playthings range from leather balls, collectible plush animals, and high-end fashion dolls to sophisticated Lego sets and talking pens that accompany interactive books.
What hasn’t changed is the way these worlds fit together, as writer Ioana Pârvulescu astutely observed, much like Russian nesting dolls. The large, “real” world encloses the smaller world of children, which, in turn, holds the enchanting miniature realm of toys. In the delicate tapestry of childhood, the journeys into this universe of toys (or entertainment activities)—which expands feverishly in today’s consumerist society—remain the most coveted gifts.
From a single “month of gifts,” as December was dubbed during the communist era in Romania—despite the difficulty of procuring items we wouldn’t dream of gifting today (such as soaps)—we have arrived, lured by the overwhelming abundance of the marketplace, at a near-perpetual celebration of gift-giving. The growing appetite children have for increasingly sophisticated toys from store shelves intertwines with the natural desire of parents to bring joy to their kids. Giving remains an act that sows joy in both the giver and the recipient. However, it can miss its mark if we fail to learn—and teach our children—how to receive and, in turn, how to give.
MaryEllen, a mother dedicated to fostering gratitude in her children, writes on her blog about strategies she uses to instill this virtue. A birthday party or Christmas evening can quickly be spoiled during what is supposed to be the most anticipated moment: unwrapping the presents. Instead of wide-eyed surprise and joyful “thank-yous,” all too often the sounds of irritation fill the air—gifts tossed aside in annoyance, followed by indignant questions: “I don’t want this!” “What else did you get me?” “Why did they get more than I did?”
Even when children’s reactions are disappointing—especially when displayed in front of others or in response to gifts from relatives or friends—MaryEllen remains committed to teaching her children that gratitude is a choice. She understands that developing the “muscle” of gratitude takes time and goes beyond merely pretending to feel thankful. Among the strategies she finds effective are preemptive conversations where she teaches her children to express thanks for every gift they receive, encouraging them to write thank-you notes to gift-givers, and focusing on what they give rather than what they expect to receive during occasions that involve both giving and receiving.
Experts explain why the ability to express gratitude for gifts doesn’t develop as easily as parents might hope. Because children’s brains are not fully developed, they struggle to grasp that other people have thoughts, feelings, and perspectives different from their own. Often, children value the gift itself more than the sentiments or intentions of the giver. However, a parent’s explanations can help them understand the message of love behind a gift.
Teaching children to give presents offers them an opportunity to practice empathy, understand others’ needs and desires, and develop financial and social skills. Research shows that by the age of four, children start to have fewer difficulties selecting a gift for their mother. If their own desires have been fulfilled—or if they’ve been promised that they will be—they are more likely to choose a gift aligned with their mother’s preferences. By this age, they begin to select presents that reflect the recipient’s wishes rather than their own.
In a world saturated with messages about deserving to receive, parents can guide children toward discovering the joy of giving at an early age, notes Susan Crites Price, an author and expert on integrating philanthropy into family life. According to Price, once a child starts using the possessive pronoun “mine,” they are ready to learn their first lessons in generosity.
Ultimately, because we are so easily misled by countless signposts pointing to happiness through material acquisition, children must be taught—through the power of example—that if a realm of true happiness exists, it can only be found by staying on the map of meaningful relationships. This is one reason gifts should never be the centerpiece of any celebration, whether Christmas or a birthday. Instead, they serve as a bonus—an extra gesture that shows we understand and care about what excites, delights, or fulfills the wishes and needs of those around us.
A purple bicycle, a pair of diamond earrings, a porcelain teapot, a puzzle, a hair straightener, and a box of instant soup—these were among the items mentioned in a survey about the best and worst gifts recipients had ever received. While it might be tempting to assume we know exactly which category each of these gifts belongs to, the chances of being wrong are surprisingly high.
Take the hair straightener, for example. It was given to a young woman who adored her natural curls and would never consider parting with them. The diamond earrings? They went to a girlfriend whose partner, after three years together, hadn’t noticed that she didn’t wear jewelry of that kind and didn’t even have pierced ears. Conversely, the instant soup, with a particular flavour, turned out to be a perfect gift for a mother to give to her son who loved that hard-to-find flavour.
Ultimately, whether or not gift-giving is one of the love languages we speak fluently, we should remember that the most precious gift we can offer is the time we spend with one another. Even during the so-called “season of giving,” being together remains the most meaningful way to express love.
This simple yet increasingly overlooked truth in modern society was rediscovered by renowned happiness researcher Robert Biswas-Diener during a study of the Bushmen of the Kalahari. After spending a day hunting with them in the scorching desert—without catching anything—the researcher was astonished to see the tribe members return to their village singing joyfully. Curious about the source of this seemingly misplaced cheerfulness, Biswas-Diener sought an explanation. One of the men, equally surprised that there was anything to explain in such an obvious situation, offered him a profound lesson in happiness: “We didn’t catch anything, but we didn’t catch anything together.”
Carmen Lăiu is an editor of Signs of the Times Romania and ST Network.