At the age of 20, I graduated from the Orthodox Theological Seminary. I thought I was talented, I was confident, and I had a very clear idea of the path I wanted to take in life. I had all the answers. Or perhaps I hadn’t asked myself enough questions.
At the age of 20 I didn’t know how blessed I was, I didn’t understand how close God was. I believed He was high up in the sky, as represented in the Pantocrator icon[1] in the great spires of the churches. His presence animated, explained, and harmonised everything. This is how I would have described Him in public. In private, however, God seemed to me like an Everest, blocking my desires and thwarting my initiatives. He contradicted and opposed me, even though I was diligently offering Him doxologies!
I interpreted His isolation as an insufficiently explained opposition, as a reflex of mistrust, as an abusive refusal to acknowledge me. These feelings made me feel lonely, like a reprobate. I felt below the self-imposed (or societal) standard and was full of frustration, complexes and powerlessness. How was I to move the circles of the universe so that God’s ladder would descend beside me? I guess I blamed Him unfairly for all my failures, real or imagined. I needed another 20 years of experience to give me the liberating unpleasantness of understanding the hidden traumas, to show me how illusory the motives of my ego were, to confront me with the consequences of actions and words that I thought were insignificant at the time, but which were in fact manifestations of innate cruelty.
At the age of 20, I read and reread Kazantzakis and Cioran: the Greek writer for the way he articulated his ego, and the Romanian moralist for the quiet contemplation of despair. Perhaps some of the ideas in their works—perhaps the traditional Semi-Pelagian Christian doctrine[2]—and perhaps even the difficult financial conditions of my student days blinded me to the plan God had for me. I did not have the patience to ever let God finish His sentence. I believed, of course, that God was involved in the circumstances of the day, protecting me, and so on, but I had no concept, no idea, of the existence of a divine plan for my whole life, for eternity. This was the great spiritual mistake of my youth, leading to irreparable waste and painful consequences.
Scripture says that God has an eternal plan for every corner of the universe, for every world, for each one of us: “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). Contrary to this message, with a non-biblical, theoretical underpinning, I thought I was capable of making my own plans for life. I just expected God to support those plans. I prayed that He would not tempt me or oppose my initiatives. Now that I know the traps that lie before people, I find this prospect frightening, discouraging, even destructive. The consequences are overestimation of oneself, ignorance of the dangers, missing essential goals and neglect of the relationship with God.
When I finally realised that God was not really against me, but wisely and lovingly trying to guide me along the most rewarding path, I found peace.
I found not only peace but the fulfilment of needs and desires without struggle, without soul-destroying sacrifice. It wasn’t easy to trust God’s plan (to live by faith), but I saw how God intertwined His plan for me with His plans for many others in an amazing web of plans. In the Lord’s plan, I am not just a beneficiary, but once I have been blessed, I in turn become a blessing (Genesis 12:2-3). It is a natural fact of the kingdom of God that can be fulfilled naturally, without effort: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28)—not by our own strength, according to semi-Pelagianism, but by God’s grace, by walking with Him.
God’s plan for us is eternal, and it is the path that we can follow while functioning at our full potential.
It sometimes happens that our life falls away from God’s plan and degenerates into unhappiness. It takes a moment of awakening for people to return to what they were meant to be. God’s plan is not a compulsion, it is a gift; it is not predestination, it is God’s proposal for human life. And when people dream alongside God, everything becomes clear and possible. The apostle Paul came to understand that God had had a plan for his life from the time he was in his mother’s womb (to preach the gospel to the Gentiles), and when he understood that plan, he did not need human confirmation to go through it with the God to whom he belonged (Galatians 1:15-16).
Is it possible to live according to God’s plan, in harmony with God? Jesus Christ became flesh to show us that it is possible and to teach us how to do it: “I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do” (John 17:4). The Saviour fulfilled God’s plan for Him and set in motion His plans for all who believe in Him.
The secret of the total success of Jesus was obedience to the will of the Father: “For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of Him who sent me” (John 6:38).
I wish I had known this when I was in my twenties:
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God does not want us to enter His plan because He has an ambition to be validated. He only wants to bless us as much as possible, to live as intensely as possible, and to be the blessed ones who will inherit the prepared kingdom (Matthew 25:34). As I have emphasised, we are not obliged to live up to God’s expectations. But it is imperative that we are clear-headed and wise enough to take a very, very long-term view.
This requires a few things. First of all, to know that this plan exists: “In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:6). Secondly, we need to value God’s plan as the best possible life. Our focus should not be on the unknowns of the future, but on fulfilling God’s will (expressed in His commandments). I should not worry about future threats. If I worry about pleasing God today, God will deal with the cause of my anxiety much more effectively. Thirdly, God does not set a high standard for us just so that we will fail. On the contrary, He gives us the power and the means to fulfil all His expectations: “…for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfil His good purpose” (Philippians 2:13). Fourthly, if I reject God’s plan and self-destruct, missing goals, refusing to participate in the lives of those He has prepared for me, starving and chasing after toxic satisfactions, I can turn back to God’s plan as long as there is the honesty to acknowledge Jesus as Lord and Saviour.
And in the end, there remains this certainty: God will prevail. The plan He has for you will be fulfilled. There is no power in this world that can stop Him if He is accepted and taken seriously. There will be hardships, pain and setbacks, but it will be a journey of discovery, of maturing, of fulfilment, of miracles, of finding happiness.
I wish I had known this when I was 20!
Bogdan Andrei is a 46-year-old pastor. When he was 20, he was a student at the Orthodox Theological Faculty, preparing to become a priest. For the past 26 years, he has been searching for a more coherent perspective on life and more secure solutions to life than those offered by human beings. This search led him to the Bible.
