The arrival of a child brings immense joy and fulfilment, but it also introduces a new dynamic within the family, a reality that places the couple in the position of taking on responsibilities and tasks they had not encountered before. Transitioning to life as a family of three is a stage that disrupts the daily routine, demanding the full attention and involvement of both parents.
As the family grows, so do the roles within the couple, and priorities shift significantly. Driven by the need to create a nurturing physical and emotional environment for the child, everything takes on a larger dimension. Free time, rest, intimacy, financial resources, household organisation, social interactions, work-life balance, patience, energy levels, and parental efforts—every aspect of life, both major and minor, becomes centred around providing the best possible care for the newborn.
For many, the joy of this life event is often accompanied by heightened stress, stemming from the need to quickly and efficiently adapt to the myriad changes that the baby’s presence brings to the newly formed family unit.
Faced with the roles of “mother” and “father” for the first time, even the most prepared parents can feel overwhelmed by the sheer scope of the situation, as the reality of the experience often differs greatly from the theory they’ve learned beforehand. In this context, it is essential for partners to support each other in navigating the transition into fully-fledged parenthood, in order to maintain balance within the family and to ensure the long-term harmony of their relationship as a couple.
The first child and marital satisfaction
Regarding this aspect, numerous studies highlight that the arrival of a first child brings profound changes, often leading to a decrease in marital satisfaction and, consequently, affecting the stability and resilience of the couple’s relationship.
According to a 2021 study cited by the BBC, relationship satisfaction declines over the first 10 years, whether or not couples have children. However, parents tend to experience the steepest drop in satisfaction, as they face increasing demands and pressures in their partnership. The data shows that mothers, in particular, struggle: only 38% of mothers report being satisfied in their relationship, compared to 62% of women who are married but without children, who express higher levels of contentment.
A longitudinal study, based on data from 218 couples during their first eight years of marriage, reveals that both mothers and fathers report a decline in the quality of their relationship after the birth of their first child, a trend that persisted throughout the study. Compared to mothers, who experience a rapid decline in satisfaction, fathers tend to express dissatisfaction after the first six months postpartum or even later.
Additionally, research suggests that women, unlike men, often exhibit poorer conflict management and tend to amplify the severity of issues, indicating that they are more sensitive to perceived shortcomings within the family.
The transition to life as three
These feelings of dissatisfaction among partners are typically accompanied by conflicts, stress, reduced time spent together, and weakened social interactions. However, despite the various side effects, the conclusion remains the same: the quality of the marital relationship largely depends on how both partners engage in the extensive adjustment process, which begins during pregnancy and continues until the child reaches two or three years of age.
It’s worth noting that parenthood, with its intense challenges, can pose difficulties not only for marriages that are already “strained” but also for strong, well-established couples. In both cases, the relationship can take a positive trajectory if partners learn constructive ways to manage stress. However, it can operate in survival mode when the adjustment processes fall short.
To better understand and explain how parents adapt to the multitude of postpartum factors that redefine the dynamics of a relationship, some experts use the Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation (VSA) model.
According to the theoretical framework developed by Karney and Bradbury (1995), all three components of the process—vulnerability, stress, and adaptation—are closely interconnected. If not properly managed, vulnerabilities can weaken the new parent’s ability to adapt to the stress brought on by this new situation, as well as factors like sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion, irritability, financial anxiety, or postpartum depression.
Vulnerabilities may include:
- Dysfunctional relationship patterns inherited from one’s family of origin. When these are reproduced within one’s own family, they increase the risk of maintaining ongoing stress and tension.
- Premarital cohabitation. Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to face marital challenges compared to those who delay cohabitation until after marriage.
- Religiosity. Religious mothers tend to experience higher marital satisfaction compared to those who do not share a faith, for example.
When these vulnerabilities are present in stressful situations, such as an unplanned pregnancy, limited income, or health issues, they can tip the balance unfavourably for the couple, leading to an escalation of conflicts. In such circumstances, certain “tools” can prove crucial, such as assertive communication between spouses, the willingness to make long-term commitments, trust in one’s partner, the recognition of the need to spend quality time together, and the pursuit of intimacy.
Happily ever after?
According to psychotherapist Oana Nicolau, in the process of adjustment, parents “must simultaneously exercise their roles as partners in the relationship to maintain balance. By nurturing their relationship with intimacy and quality time…parents indirectly and over the long-term nurture the child’s own autonomous psychological development.”
Studies show that a successful marriage enhances a child’s early development as well as their psychological, social, and academic achievements later in life.
“All children need present parents. All children are sensitive to the psychological state of their parents, especially the mother. Therefore, the mental well-being of parents is a key factor for all children. In the long run, as the child grows, they need increasing autonomy, and it becomes increasingly important for parents to model lives that are independent of the child’s,” the psychotherapist says.
A good mental state for parents is not just an ideal but a real possibility.
Research by John and Julie Gottman suggests that marital dissatisfaction is present in two-thirds of the couples they studied. So, what sets apart the remaining third, who report being happy in their relationship even after having a child?
One key factor, no matter how technical it may sound, appears to be teamwork. Couples who successfully navigate the transition to parenthood together—those who are equally attentive to the needs of their newborn, who develop a strong sense of partnership, and who handle disagreements calmly and rationally—are more likely to enjoy the changes that come with expanding their family.
Functioning as a cohesive unit also involves showing interest in your partner’s needs, especially during moments of discouragement or exhaustion, by offering gestures of affection and appreciation. This requires setting aside time for the couple, maintaining open communication, connecting emotionally, and managing expectations in a realistic way that doesn’t idealise the challenges of being new parents.
Practicing emotional intimacy, validating each other’s feelings, employing constructive techniques to resolve the inevitable challenges of family life, and handling conflicts with care form a reliable approach that can inspire inexperienced parents.
Equally important is avoiding the situation where the father feels sidelined by a mother who directs almost all her attention to the baby, leaving the father with a peripheral role in childcare or even excluding him from parental responsibilities. When this happens, the father can become distant, and the marriage may gradually weaken, becoming vulnerable to breakdown.
In this complex, ever-changing landscape, it is clear that happiness in a relationship doesn’t happen automatically—neither before nor after the arrival of a first child. It is a delicate universe, built through the effort and will of both partners. The survival of the relationship depends on the thoughts, intentions, and actions of both the husband and the wife as they work together to fortify their family in all its dimensions.
Genia Ruscu holds a master’s degree in social work counselling.
