A common source of jokes and stories with subtext, the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law appears to be characterised by particular sensitivities.
The most frequently arising problems in the husband-wife-mother-in-law triangle, their consequences for the family, and how conflicts can be resolved are just some of the topics that can pave the way to a happy ending.
Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law: tradition and cultural stereotypes
In her book Soacre si nurori. La cine este cheia? (“Mothers-in-law and Daughters-in-law: Who Holds the Key?”), Aurora Liiceanu discusses the role of local tradition in shaping the relationship between the two groups. In the United Kingdom, for example, daughters-in-law openly criticise the tendency of mothers-in-law to intrude obtrusively into the lives of married couples. In France, tradition favours mothers of women (who play a more significant role than mothers of men), and in Italy, it is said that mothers cry at their sons’ weddings not out of joy, but out of jealousy because they feel their position in the family is under threat.
These patterns, perpetuated from generation to generation, exist all over the world.
Cultural stereotypes of Italian mothers-in-law cover two extremes: women who see their young daughters-in-law as competitors, and women who “infiltrate” newly formed families by getting involved in household chores and raising grandchildren, just to control their relatives more easily.
Patterns that have been passed down through the generations exist all over the world. In some places, deeply rooted customs are adapting to new ways of life, while in others they are stubbornly persisting and rejecting modernist tendencies that propose different patterns. This is evident in India, where the daughter-in-law traditionally becomes her mother-in-law’s servant. This is confirmed during the Bengali marriage ritual when the groom officially informs his mother, “I have brought you a servant.”
Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law: the prevalent culture in Romania
Fortunately, in our country, tradition does not push things to an extreme that is clearly unfavourable to one of the parties. Nevertheless, situations surrounding the interaction between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law, which are said to encounter many difficulties, are proverbial in Romania as well.
How real is the drama presented in folklore in an ironic, rueful tone?
In popular culture, the mother-in-law is often depicted as being overly possessive and intrusive, unable to respect the couple’s personal space. Meanwhile, the daughter-in-law is often portrayed as someone eager to undermine the authority of her “rival”, while the man, overwhelmed by the situation, invariably finds himself caught in the middle.
How real is the drama presented in folklore in an ironic, rueful tone? The answer varies depending on each particular case. However, structurally, there is a common basis from which several common problems can arise.
The “secrets” of the mother-son relationship
In the view of American psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg, the mother-son relationship is the starting point for everything. According to him, a boy’s emotional bond with his mother is primary, deep, and occurs before he develops a sexual identity and a sense of self that allows him to form a bond with and submit to his father.
Clearly, an emotional bond is not a problem in itself. However, a mother’s excessive preoccupation with her son can create a major imbalance. According to psychotherapist Claudiu Ganciu, some mothers want to continue the relationship that began when their son was a baby, viewing his partner as a threat to this desire, and possibly as someone with hidden intentions.
For these mothers, the fact that years have passed and their son has become an adult with his own identity, boundaries, aspirations, and abilities is an insignificant detail. Out of a desire to cling to the past, they delay accepting their son’s independence, still viewing him through the lens of his former status as a vulnerable child who must give and receive love unconditionally.
“Many mothers raise their children to love them, rather than teaching them to cope with life independently, and care for the next generation,” says the psychotherapist.
This is particularly true of women who make motherhood their sole purpose in life. They expect their adult children to be permanently available, grateful for their sacrifices, and to prioritise their needs over their own, and are resistant to the idea that adult children can find fulfilment outside the nuclear family.
In this context, the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law becomes toxic and power-driven, with each of the two women seeking supremacy. It is a relationship between two women fighting for the love of the same man, each seeking to exploit the most effective weapon at her disposal: time. The mother-in-law invokes the past as a source of memories to which she has access, while the daughter-in-law capitalises on the present and the future, which she controls fully.
How can the situation be balanced, competitiveness reduced, and a real sense of boundaries gained?
Experts recommend that couples discover their own family’s identity and boundaries, without completely eliminating the presence of in-laws, but rather combatting intrusive behaviour through a series of well-defined boundaries that are acceptable to both partners.
The man has a significant role to play in this process, acting as a mediator between his wife and his mother, i.e. between two strong opposing identities. Conversely, the assertiveness of the daughter-in-law is also important, as she must learn to say “no” when conventions designed to protect the couple’s autonomy are violated.
The father, mother, and child triangle
Deeply attached to their son and fearful of marginalisation, some mothers do not develop a personal conflict with their son’s partner, but feel uncomfortable with the concept of having a daughter-in-law. Without getting to know their son’s romantic choice intimately—embodied in a flesh-and-blood person with undeniable qualities—mothers of boys assume that their son’s choice is not good enough to be accepted into the “tribe”. Consequently, they launch a veritable campaign to remove the intruder, who is incompatible with the family status quo.
Psychotherapist Viorel Nedelcu describes this hasty reaction among mothers—and sometimes fathers—as an unconscious rejection of a “stranger” who threatens the family’s harmony. This attitude is instinctive and generated by the desire to keep the father, mother, and child triangle intact.
Cases where the mother-in-law rejects her daughter-in-law from the outset tend to lead to the most complicated situations, resulting in permanent tension. If this happens, it will be almost impossible for the daughter-in-law to establish herself as a legitimate member of the family.
While positive impressions can easily turn negative, the reverse is not true. In terms of time, a negative first impression carries infinitely more weight than a positive one.
“Once a perception is established, it is difficult to change over time.” This is why newlyweds should separate from their families of origin and limit any interference,” says psychotherapist Viorel Nedelcu. “The hope that time will solve everything is often misguided.”
Since we cannot control people’s opinions of us, we must carefully manage the risks that come with them. If problems arise early in the relationship, it is best to approach the situation diplomatically, expressing our thoughts and emotions selectively so as not to offend or hurt anyone’s feelings. When living under the same roof, it is advisable to separate from in-laws, since living together in stressful conditions can lead to compromises affecting the couple’s life.
Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, candidates for an ideal relationship
Some say that mothers-in-law are responsible for altercations with daughters-in-law, while others argue that men, who are often incapable of mediating relationships between their partners and their families of origin, are largely to blame; and still others say that daughters-in-law, as newcomers, have a duty to give up any demands they might have and conform to the requirements set for them.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle, oscillating between self-serving motivations and subjective arguments. Regardless of who sets the tone, everyone involved must contribute to achieving a peaceful family atmosphere by understanding each other’s needs. Mothers must understand their sons’ need to break away from their family home, sons must understand their wives’ need to be accepted by their in-laws, and daughters-in-law must understand their mothers-in-law’s need to play an active role in their adult children’s lives.
Before any intention, preference, or demand, all parties must recognise that everyone needs love as well as personal space. Only by starting from this often restrictive reality can we achieve what Aurora Liiceanu calls the ideal mother-in-law—daughter-in-law relationship: a relationship in which distance and closeness are well thought out and controlled, and in which everyone accepts that there are also things they do not understand.