When it comes to dealing with grief, psychotherapist Francis Weller points out that “it takes outrageous courage to face an outrageous loss”. By supporting those who are bereaved, the Church shows that it possesses the qualities needed to balance concern for current suffering with faith in the ultimate victory over death.
Six months after losing a loved one may seem like a short time, but it is also long enough for people to assume that the bereaved person is beginning to heal. Benjamin Brooks-Dutton, a man who lost his wife in an accident, leaving him a widower at age 33 with a two-year-old son who could not understand what had happened to his mother, says that time is only a cure for those who are not prepared. Having gone through a period 25 times longer than the longest stretch he had gone without seeing his wife during their eight years together, Benjamin now believes that “time is a unit of measurement that holds little value in grief.”
Although he acknowledges that certain physical symptoms and feelings of confusion and guilt have eased, he admits that he still experiences the same intensity of sadness and that the sense of loss is just as vivid. Although he no longer looks like a shadow of his former self, and it seems from the outside that he has already gotten back on his feet, in reality he has barely taken the first steps on a journey in which he is learning how to survive with an open wound.
Two months after his wife’s death, Benjamin started the Life as a Widower blog to connect with other young widowers facing life as single parents. He hoped to share his feelings with them, learn from their experiences, and find answers together. However, he didn’t find what he was looking for, so he took the initiative and began to write about his feelings and examine how he was navigating each stage of grief.
Time holds little value in the face of grief.
A week after his first post, The Guardian invited him to write about how he was helping his son cope with the loss of his mother. Over the next four months, the blog attracted readers from the UK and other parts of the world, garnering over half a million views. In addition, it frequently featured posts from other people who were grieving or had a loved one diagnosed with a serious illness, and began to be followed by those who wanted to learn more about how to help people mourning the death of a loved one.
The blog was also the young widower’s way of responding to people who said they couldn’t imagine what he was going through after losing his wife. “Don’t even try. You wouldn’t want to know,” he would usually reply. Such exchanges had become frequent, prompting the man to realise that people don’t know what to say or do in such situations, and so they try to fill the silence with words that often sound clichéd. This is why he felt the need to tell the rest of the world how difficult and arduous the healing process can be.
A church that is a friend to the bereaved
The church is the most natural place where people in mourning should find the help they need, say the founders of Loss and Hope, an organisation formed in March 2020 that offers resources and support to churches wanting to help their grieving members. Churches participate in funeral and memorial services, offering support and stability when life becomes difficult, and providing a place where the confused and grieving can find hope and confidence for this life and the next. However, churches can also be places where people feel isolated and alone in their grief, either because of their experience or because church members do not know how to respond to grief in the short or long term.
According to Loss and Hope, a church that is supportive of those experiencing grief is one that understands the grieving process and helps those in mourning navigate confusion towards a place of meaning and hope.
According to Atlass.org, another charitable organisation that helps the bereaved find support, there are several indicators of a church that is friendly towards those experiencing bereavement:
- They educate the congregation to recognise the impact of losing a loved one.
- They train church members on what to say—and what not to say—to those who are grieving.
- They select and train a designated team to monitor and support those who are grieving.
- They offer support to the bereaved as they strengthen or rebuild their faith.
- They recognise grief as a legitimate experience for a Christian.
- They adapt theological messages to the needs of those who have lost loved ones.
- They present a realistic view of “a good death” and healing.
- They facilitate access to bereavement support services for all individuals connected to the church.
- They organise special activities for the bereaved to support them on their journey through grief.
- They review aspects of church life so that the bereaved feel welcome.
- They take care to create a space of peace and comfort for bereaved members.
The Bereavement Journey is a programme that has been used successfully by Holy Trinity Brompton Church for two and a half decades. “We’re not pulling people out of the ditch: we’re getting down into the ditch and sitting with them until they see a glimmer of light to move forward,” says bereavement specialist Jane Oundjian, the programme’s founder. Consisting of six sessions spread over six weeks, the programme facilitates small-group discussions and is open to people of various religious beliefs (or none at all). The final, optional session addresses questions arising from the experience of losing a loved one from a Christian perspective. During the pandemic, the programme was adapted for delivery via Zoom and adopted by many churches in the UK.
“We’re not pulling people out of the ditch: we’re getting down into the ditch and sitting with them until they see a glimmer of light to move forward.”
Church leaders say that training programmes of this kind are a great help in bridging the gap between the needs of grieving members and the practical support offered to them. Oundjian emphasises that although we all have Christian hope, those who are grieving need time, patience, and acceptance to adjust to their new circumstances.
Churches are good at conducting impressive funeral services, but we need to learn how to prepare for the death of loved ones or our own death, as well as how to support those experiencing the pain of bereavement, says Judith Brashaw, coordinator of the Bereavement Team at Oundle Baptist Church. Her church runs several support programmes for the bereaved. During the pandemic the workload increased and an adjustment to standard methods was required, since more and more people were experiencing an atypical mourning process by grieving in isolation.
In fact, these programmes aren’t just for church members; some are open to anyone who needs resources or information. The ultimate goal is to make the church a welcoming place for those who are grieving and to support people in practical ways, just as Jesus did.
Understanding and serving the bereaved in practical ways
The feeling of awkwardness in the face of such devastating grief as that caused by the death of loved ones is one of the most common reasons why the needs of the bereaved often fall off the radar of church members, says Philip Kenyon, a chaplain at Optum Hospice in Chicago.
He recalls that the image from the day of his father’s funeral is still vivid in his memory: his father’s friends were talking among themselves, occasionally glancing his way. But they didn’t approach him; it was as if he were suffering from a contagious disease. They didn’t say a word to him or even send him a message. Today, Kenyon understands that their reluctance, however cruel it may have seemed, was due to their not knowing what to do or say. Avoiding the bereaved is a mistake we make out of fear of amplifying their pain, or because we assume we should have an answer to what has happened.
Joseph Bayly, a writer who lost three of his seven children, recounts how little religious discourse helped him in his moments of heartbreak, despite being entirely correct. One of the people who came to console him spoke to him about God’s justice, the reasons why the tragedy had occurred, and the hope beyond the grave. He spoke at length about things Bayly already knew, but this well-intentioned verbosity only made Bayly want to be left alone as soon as possible.
Another person came just to sit beside him and listen. He said very few words, offered a brief prayer, and left. Bayly admits that this interaction was truly comforting and that he regretted the empathetic listener’s departure.
Even if we believe we must say something meaningful—something that offers a new spiritual or emotional perspective on the irreplaceable loss—what people really need is the presence of someone who understands their loss and grieves with them, observes Christian author Nancy Guthrie, co-host of the GriefShare video series.
People react to loss in different ways depending on factors such as personality, belief system, attachment to the deceased, previous experiences of loss, and social and cultural perceptions or coping strategies, writes Vivienne Mountain of the University of Divinity.
“The best support for grief is to have someone with you to move into the chaos without trying to change it,” she writes, listing some of the bereaved person’s needs: the need to talk repeatedly about the loved one; the need for empathy (at this point, it is okay to admit that we do not fully understand what they are going through); the need to express their grief whenever they feel it; the need for time to heal (the healing process follows a different timeline for everyone); and, in some cases, the need for professional help.
Those who are grieving also need connection with others, authenticity, and non-verbal support. This could mean helping to plan the funeral or sorting through the deceased’s clothes and other belongings, sending a letter or a box of cookies, lending a hand with household chores, or picking up the children from school or watching them for a few hours.
There are countless practical ways to offer support while remaining attuned to the recipient’s reactions and adapting to their specific coping mechanisms during this overwhelming time. Because healing occurs through a difficult and rarely linear process, we must consistently offer empathy and support. Kenyon suggests that the church should follow a schedule for each grieving member to ensure that messages of condolence and reaffirmation of support, along with other resources, are sent at regular intervals.
Ultimately, there is always something we can do or say for someone who is suffering when we approach them with the hope that God has given us, concludes Christian author Aaron Brown.
Learning from the mistakes of others (or even our own)
Good intentions don’t always lead to good results, so we need to adjust our words and actions to the needs of those in pain. This means recognising and avoiding unhelpful words and attitudes.
Offering advice freely, even if we have already tested its wisdom, is not necessarily the best thing to do if it is not asked for. Those who have experienced the turmoil of a loss often need someone to listen to them as they mourn—a shoulder on which to cry, without being judged or having their pain minimised or compared to the losses of the person they are speaking with. They also don’t want to be pressured to focus on the good things in their life instead. There is a time to celebrate the blessings they still enjoy (just as there is a time to listen to stories about others’ losses), but this is not necessarily the most appropriate moment to remind them of this, notes writer Amy Hoggart.
When we meet someone who is grieving, we hesitate to mention their loss for fear of causing them further distress, especially if they seem to be having a good day. In reality, however, the pain of separation is like a computer program running constantly in the background, as Christian author Nancy Guthrie writes. Therefore, rather than ignoring the “elephant in the room”, we should delicately initiate a conversation about the loss. We should avoid giving the other person the impression that we are expecting a report on how they are coping or judging their progress in managing their grief. If someone does not want to or cannot talk about their loss, they will certainly mention it. However, people who have lost a loved one have a desire to talk about their memories and need to know that their loved one will not be forgotten.
The hope of an eternal future together with the deceased does not negate the sadness of a present in which the parent, child, sibling, or partner is absent.
Those who have buried a loved one say that vague offers of help (“Call me if you need anything!”) are usually useless. This is not only because those caught in the grip of grief will not take seriously an offer that promises nothing concrete, but also because they can barely focus on day-to-day tasks and need others to take the initiative in offering the necessary help.
Christian author Sarah Phillips writes that one of the pitfalls Christians fall into is trying to diminish the mourner’s pain by talking about the hope of resurrection and pushing the real pain of loss into the background. Nevertheless, the hope of an eternal future with a loved one does not negate the sadness and pain of a present in which a parent, child, sibling, or partner is absent (and will be for the rest of one’s life). People need to express their pain without pretending to be immune to it. After this release, they are better prepared to speak (or hear) about their trust in the One who conquered death and its effects: “For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him” (1 Thessalonians 4:14).
The phrase “everything happens for a reason” is overused and useless. It contains only a partial truth—that every cause has an effect—and offers simplistic answers to complex questions. It also holds God responsible for tragedies that cannot be attributed to Him and creates the feeling that present pain does not matter much. Rather than trying to understand the reasons behind a tragedy, a better solution is to show love in tangible ways to those who are suffering, and to mourn with them the loss of loved ones and the past.
A way to serve that is within every Christian’s reach
Supporting those who are grieving is not a mission reserved only for pastors and counsellors. Every Christian should feel responsible for this ministry because, as the Rev. Sandra Millar said during a seminar, it is rooted in our vocation as followers of Jesus Christ and in the call to bring good news to the world. The seminar outlined how churches, as well as individual Christians, can support those who are grieving.
Millar notes that the pandemic deepened an existing pressing need, citing a survey by the Loss and Hope coalition which found that 62% of Britons lost a loved one to COVID, while 27% lost multiple loved ones. Amid pandemic restrictions, many were unable to say goodbye to deceased loved ones and were deprived of the natural rituals that accompany funerals and the mourning period.
During the seminar, Reverend Yvonne Richmond Tulloch, CEO of the bereavement support website ataloss.org, noted that churches should help foster a culture of validating grief (“It’s okay not to be okay”) and show those who have buried loved ones that the church remembers them when the rest of the world seems to have forgotten them.
Since the church is made up of people, each individual should do their utmost, bearing in mind that consistent small acts are more meaningful than the occasional grandiose event, which is difficult to organise and replicate. Not all of us are counsellors, but we can all be part of a church that is responsive to the needs of the bereaved by following a few simple steps that yield guaranteed results: “Contact, listen and bless.”
Carmen Lăiu is an editor of Signs of the Times Romania and ST Network.