We often do it without even thinking. Labelling our children as shy, cheeky, fussy or even smart. In the right context, calling our children these things is innocent enough. It even helps explain certain types of behaviour.
Yet, there is a very real danger if the label sticks, be that with the people our children interact with or in our children’s own self-belief.
The “Pygmalion effect” is the result of a psychological study conducted in 1968 which found that teacher expectations worked as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If teachers were led to expect enhanced performance from some children, then the children did indeed show that enhancement.
In other words, if you told your child’s teacher that your child is “not academically inclined”, “very quiet” or “the messy one”, instead of supporting your child to reach their full potential, they would be more likely to simply expect your child to consistently do poorly at their schoolwork, not participate in class or always forget their library bag.
However, labels don’t just influence how others treat us. Perhaps more harmful is when we internalise the label and it becomes our identity.
“Labels have the power to define what an individual will become,” write child development experts Paula Contesse Carvacho and Montserrat Magro Gutiérrez in their article, “‘Lazy’, ‘messy’, ‘smart’: how labels affect a child’s personality development”. “They directly impact our beliefs about our abilities, meaning an individual, once labelled, will expect the same outcome from themselves in similar situations.”
So a child constantly told they’re bad at maths may not even try to understand a new maths concept. A child who always hears they’re smart may end up devastated if they fail at something, even questioning their value as a person. A “shy” child may withdraw from any social participation that elicits a slightly uncomfortable feeling.
What to do instead
- Praise the effort, not the outcome. Don’t categorise them by their characteristics or abilities. Focus on what they are doing.
- If they’re struggling to do something, such as keeping their room tidy or refusing to do their homework, address the behaviour directly. Try: “Do you need help tidying your room?” not “You’re such a messy person”. Try” “You seem to have trouble doing your homework, what’s going on?” not “You’re so lazy”.
- If they’re struggling with something, introduce the power of the word yet. “You can’t do this maths problem because you haven’t understood it yet.” “This piano piece sounds bad because you haven’t learned it yet.”
- If they do something you’d like to celebrate, focus on their effort, choices and progress. “You worked really hard on that” (not “You’re so smart”). “That was very nice of you to share your toys.”
“Praise and positive reinforcement should come at the exact moment in which the action happens: by giving immediate recognition we reinforce the connection between a behaviour and its positive response. In this way, praise or rewards are linked to the action itself, and not to the child’s identity, personality or intrinsic worth,” Carvacho and Gutiérrez continue.
Finally, help your child realise they are unique, creative individuals with multifaceted identities. Just because they love reading doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy sports. Just because they’re shy in certain situations doesn’t mean they can’t be outgoing in another.
Life in the Grey is a Mums At The Table podcast where we explore the psychological factors that shape our relationships. Scan this QR code to listen to the episode “Is this who I am? Escaping the boxes we’re put in” or go to lifeinthegrey.transistor.fm.