We know that authentic forgiveness is Christian and desirable. And we also know it feels good to receive genuine forgiveness. But does God ask us to forgive under any circumstances? We often try to discover the answer to such uncomfortable questions about God by looking at those who say they know Him. And, sometimes, we have something to gain by doing so.
Injustice demands a reaction
In the fall of 2006, Charles Carl Roberts IV, an American armed to the teeth, broke into the small one-classroom school in the Amish community of Nickel Mines (Lancaster County, Pennsylvania) and took hostage several girls between the ages of six and thirteen. After tying the girls up and ordering them to line up against the chalkboard, for a reason unknown to this day, he killed five of them by shooting them in the head. The man then committed suicide in front of the other little girls, who helplessly witnessed the tragedy in horror.
The public was shocked, especially since the attack came just a few days after two other similar incidents that had happened in the perimeter of some American schools, one in Colorado and the other in Wisconsin. But what was even more shocking about this third attack was the reaction of the families of the victims.
The words spoken by the Lord Jesus Christ while He was being crucified still have the power to amaze Bible readers: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). It is a guiding principle so foreign to who we are that the prayer “as we also have forgiven our debtors” often ends up being a lie.
On the very day of the attack, the grandfather of one of the girls advised his younger relatives not to stain their souls by hating the attacker. “We must not think evil of this man,” he said, and another member of the community took things even further. Speaking about the man who killed his child, he thought it was good to remind those present that he “had a mother and a wife and a soul and now he’s standing before a just God,” who will see to it that justice is served.
Anabaptist Jack Meyer, who knew the Amish community in Lancaster well because he lived nearby, told the press on that occasion that there was nothing unusual in the reaction of the families of the victims. “I don’t think there’s anybody here that wants to do anything but forgive and not only reach out to those who have suffered a loss in that way but to reach out to the family of the man who committed these acts.”
Amish grace
Several members of the community visited and tried to console the killer’s widow, as well as his parents and in-laws. An Amish man consoled Roberts’ father, who couldn’t stop crying, for more than an hour.[1] No less than thirty believers from the community attended Roberts’ funeral, and his wife, Marie, was one of the few people from outside the community who were invited to the burial ceremony of one of the girls.
In the face of this manifestation of grace, in an open letter addressed to the entire community, Marie Roberts declared herself overwhelmed. “Your love for our family has helped to provide the healing we so desperately need. The prayers, flowers, cards, and gifts you’ve given have touched our hearts in a way no words can describe. Your compassion has reached beyond our family, beyond our community, and is changing our world, and for this we sincerely thank you.”
Sam Stoltzfus, a sixty-three-year-old carpenter who lived a few kilometres from the scene of the tragedy, told the Associated Press that the victims’ families will be supported by their faith. “A funeral to us is a much more important thing than the day of birth because we believe in the hereafter. The children are better off than their survivors,” the man explained to the journalists.
A controversial grace
The opinions of those who commented on the event—which was later screened in the movie “Amish Grace”—are divided. On the one hand, some praise the members of the Amish community because they didn’t try to compensate for the pain they felt with hate. On the other hand, some said the Amish people’s quick reaction to offer forgiveness was inappropriate because the attacker did not express remorse, and that such an attitude risked denying the existence of evil.
Donald Kraybill, an expert in the life of the Amish community, noted, however, that “letting go of grudges” is a value with strong roots in Amish culture. Kraybill emphasised that the willingness of the Amish members to not seek revenge does not negate the tragedy that occurred or excuse the wrong done, but rather is the first step towards a more hopeful future.[2]
Therefore, it is a matter of two opposing views: one according to which forgiveness is destructive when the wrongdoer has no remorse. If a person does not feel the need to change, according to this view, forgiveness has no pedagogical value. The other view says that God is in charge of giving the lessons, while forgiveness opens the soul of the one who needs to receive the lesson.
Hard-wired to forgive
Scientists agree, first of all, that there are natural predispositions to either forgive or hold grudges.[3] Two people can react differently to the same type of injustice, just because of their different backgrounds. Regardless of an individual’s character makeup, however, in general we seem to be hard-wired to forgive. There is medical evidence that forgiveness has physiological benefits, closely related to its psychological benefits. On the other hand, there is a multitude of natural evidence supporting the parasitic effects of revenge.
More specifically, people who forgive have fewer heart problems. Heart rate and blood pressure are greatly improved when one lets go of the bitter thoughts that arise after suffering an injustice.[4] Moreover, experiments such as the one led by Suzanne Freedman and Robert Enright[5] prove that granting forgiveness also leads to an increase in self-esteem and optimism, significantly reducing depression and anxiety.
The important thing is that these effects were proven both in the case of people who received help through psychotherapy or counselling, as well as in the case of those who did not.[6]
Revenge, on the other hand, correlated with rumination and overanalysis of the injustice suffered, causes an increase in negative emotions and, implicitly, a decrease in perceived self-control[7] and life satisfaction. Also, studies show that revenge can feed a person’s unpleasantness and neuroticism.[8] In other words, forgiveness brings objective advantages. Moreover, regarding psychological benefits, if sceptics complain that the researchers relied heavily on the self-reports of the study subjects,[9] there are fewer doubts when it comes to the physiological benefits, since they can be measured much more objectively.
Myths about forgiveness
There are many reasons why people find it hard to forgive, and not all of them are related to selfishness. Sometimes, even people with good intentions may be inclined to believe that, in a certain situation, they really cannot forgive. This happens most often when forgiveness is misunderstood, says Christian psychiatrist John M. Berecz,[10] professor at Andrews University in the USA.
For example, he says, people often make the mistake of thinking that forgiveness must be an act of justice. “Forgiveness is not fair. This is particularly difficult for some people to accept, especially if they are a bit obsessive. Such people long to live in a world that is orderly, punctual, clean, safe, and above all fair. But such a world is an illusion… One of the essentials of a forgiving attitude is the recognition that unfairness is an integral part of reality,” emphasises Berecz.
What is more, it is vital to know that forgiveness is not the same as settling a conflict, nor does it mean submission. Most often, fearful people make this confusion. It is the classic and tragic case of the abused wife who forgives because she fears for her life or fears the fact that, if she does not forgive, she will no longer be able to get along with her husband.
Forgiveness is not a pardon either—that is, excusing an offence without applying a sanction. To forgive does not mean to remove the punishment. Sure, there are occasions when forgiveness can include pardoning, but most of the time it doesn’t. For example, a parent must have a forgiving attitude toward their children (not harbouring resentment or bitterness), yet must not pardon (skip the consequences).
The most common preconception is that forgiveness implies reconciliation with the wrongdoer. Forgiveness indeed aims at reconciliation and it is ideal when this happens. The history of Joseph and the biblical parable of the prodigal son are just two examples that show us that both the Old and New Testaments promote such forgiveness. Unfortunately, sometimes reconciliation is neither possible, nor desirable.
For example, in most cases of sexual abuse of children, the abuser, although guilty, will not admit that they did something wrong. And even if they do admit it, the victim should stay as far away from the abuser as possible. In such cases, forgiveness that brings healing involves breaking the bond with the wrongdoer.
Forgiveness that sets you free
Forgiveness means accepting that an injustice has been committed, while rationally choosing not to let yourself be consumed by thoughts of how you might be compensated. It means putting that event behind you so that you can start over and look to the future with hope. Forgiveness does not prevent you, in certain situations, from informing the other that he or she has hurt you and that his or her actions have consequences that may involve separation.
There’s nothing selfish here, especially since you’re leaving open the option to reconnect when it’s safe for you. Under these circumstances, forgiveness is pro-social: in addition to freeing the victim from negative feelings, it also creates circumstances for the abuser to correct their behaviour. By granting the favour of forgiveness, the one who has been wronged helps the wrongdoer to free themself from the consequences of their actions and to start working on the causes.
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Nietzsche said that strong people do not practise forgiveness because they do not get so attached to anyone that they can be hurt. Then, to let your self-esteem be affected by someone else’s actions, he said, is a sign of weakness. Far from being a pro-social perspective, Nietsche’s vision is also lacking in realism and falsely suggests that humanity is a weakness.
In contrast to the risky arrogance proposed by the philosopher stands the balance of Scripture, which teaches (before Kant) that if I have self-value, then the other also has value, and my value must be respected (Matthew 22:39). At the same time, the Bible explicitly conveys that forgiveness is not an option, but a rule of tolerance that helps everyone develop: if I do not forgive, I cannot be forgiven either (Matthew 11:25, Luke 6:37).
Alina Kartman is a senior editor at Signs of the Times Romania and ST Network.