“We all feel stronger if we are part of a tapestry. One thread alone is weak, but, woven into something larger, surrounded by other threads, it is more difficult to unravel,” says family therapist Stefan Walters, summarising the benefits of understanding the history of the family we come from.
We are more than the sum of our efforts, successes, and failures. Every family has patterns, values, and behaviours that are passed down from one generation to the next. When we understand the stories of one generation and how they influenced the next, we begin to understand ourselves, psychotherapist Julia Samuel says.
Even when family stories are painful, revolving around traumas or challenges that make the storyteller vulnerable, sharing them is beneficial, says Robyn Fivush, a psychology professor at Emory University. Both older and recent studies highlight why we should become more interested in our family history, emphasising the positive effects this knowledge has on children’s development.
Family stories and emotional well-being
Children hear stories about their parents and grandparents (and other relatives) very early, even before they can fully understand or retell these narratives. Over 90% of parents occasionally share anecdotes from their own childhoods with their children. Fathers tend to focus on their achievements, while mothers are inclined to tell emotionally expressive stories where relationships play a central role.
How important is it for a child to know these stories about their parents and other close relatives? According to a study by Professor Robyn Fivush and psychologist Marshall Duke, knowing family history plays an active role in shaping teenagers’ identities. Narratives about the challenges faced by parents and grandparents can help a teenager learn to adapt to the demands of their age, say the study authors, highlighting that preliminary research suggests that a good knowledge of family history may have positive effects throughout life.
In his book about happy families, from which The New York Times published an excerpt, writer Bruce Feiler explores his efforts to discover the factors that contribute to a family’s unity, resilience, and happiness. The first time he heard that the key ingredient might be knowing stories from one’s own family was during a meeting with psychologist Marshall Duke, who has been studying this subject since the mid-1990s.
The starting point of Duke’s research was an observation by his wife, Sara, also a psychologist, who worked with children with learning difficulties. She noticed that those who knew more about their family background coped better when facing challenges. Intrigued by this discovery, Marshall Duke decided to test the hypothesis with his colleague Robyn Fivush by creating a 20-question scale to assess children’s knowledge about their family. For example, children were asked if they knew where their grandparents grew up, where their parents went to school, the story of their parents’ meeting, or details about their own birth story. The findings showed that the more children knew about their family history, the higher their self-esteem, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, and the better they believed their family functioned. In other words, simply knowing family stories was a good predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.
Duke recounts that he was surprised by these results, but he didn’t realize that the chain of surprises wouldn’t end with the study. Two months after the study’s conclusion, the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, occurred. The researchers decided to reassess the children and found that those who knew more about their family history proved to be more resilient, better able to manage the stress experienced by children (and their parents) nationwide during those days.
Another study exploring the importance of family stories was conducted by researcher Martha Dreissneck at the University of Oregon. The study showed that family history helps create an “intergenerational self,” offering a broader context for understanding life experiences and fostering a connection between generations that enhances resilience throughout life. These findings should encourage professionals to use family stories as a valuable tool for promoting the health of family members across different generations, Dreissneck says.
The development of family identity, facilitated by knowledge of family history, can contribute to the development of individual identity, concluded a study published in 2023. Following a survey of 239 students aged 18 to 20 from seven American universities, researchers found that young people who had developed a healthy sense of identity also had extensive knowledge of their family history.
“Family history knowledge is particularly good at keeping us grounded,” says Brian Hill, one of the study’s authors, emphasising the need to know where we come from before we can discover where we want to go. Parents play a crucial role in developing our identity, but if we can look back one or two generations, the foundation of our core values broadens, Hill says.
How do we pass down family history from one generation to the next?
Given the importance of family stories, we need to find simple methods to discover, explore, and share them. One of the most effective ways to encourage storytelling is to weave these narratives into everyday conversations, Robyn Fivush says. For instance, when discussing a vacation, a parent might include an anecdote from their own childhood vacations.
As Fivush notes, family stories convey more than just facts. They depict people, capture their values, ideals, and dreams, and reflect how various traits are passed down through generations. For this reason, family stories don’t need to be memorable or told in a specific setting to serve their purpose. They are slices of the past that can be shared and savoured during everyday activities, bringing people closer together.
Recording conversations with older family members is an excellent way to preserve valuable information that would otherwise be lost with the passing of those who hold these memories. A recorded interview with a great-grandfather helped journalist Dina Gachman bridge the gap between this family member and her son. This is a gift that will be passed down through generations, says Gachman, expressing a common regret: “When somebody’s gone, their stories are gone, right? Why did I not ask a million questions when they were here?”
Listening to someone recount their story, engaging with what they say, and trying to understand their perspective is an unparalleled experience, historian Megan Harris says. Even if we feel we know our parents well, for example, they have lived through numerous experiences of which we are unaware. Therefore, recording their stories while they are still alive is crucial, both for ourselves and for future generations.
These conversations can begin with topics we find interesting, such as someone having witnessed historical events, photo albums, or lists of places and people we want to learn more about. However, Gachman says that deep discussions don’t necessarily need meticulous preparation. All it takes is curiosity and a genuine expression of affection for the person and interest in their experiences to spark a conversation that will be cherished over time.
We love stories and are surrounded by them in our daily lives. Yet, no matter how many we hear or how deeply they affect us, very few will leave a lasting impact. Family stories belong to this rare category. They are mirrors in which we see ourselves, forces that shape us, and maps we consult to understand how others, bound to us by invisible threads, have navigated similar challenges.
Ultimately, stories are the vehicles that take us to places we might never otherwise reach. Since “people have entire worlds contained within their lives,” the family story profoundly extends the boundaries of a single life, enriching and colouring it. It makes us aware that we are all “walking stories, some just beginning, others halfway through, and many nearing their end.”
Carmen Lăiu is an editor of Signs of the Times Romania and ST Network.