Pastor and author Ed Gungor reckons he’s learned a lot about life from Frank, his small white-haired terrier. So much so that he has entitled his book One Small Barking Dog: How to Live a Life That’s Hard to Ignore.
In his words, “He may be small, but he lives large in the Gungor family. He thinks he’s one of us and believes his is the role of protector.”[1]
We all have an innate desire for the spectacular, to take on the world. Instead, says Gungor, we should “fall in love with life—the everyday, normal kind. The beauty of a small dog is that he doesn’t worry about being small. He’s ready to take on the world.”
Falling in love with life?
Psychologist Mark Travers tells us that if we feel like we’re stuck in a rut, “just going through the motions”, that sometimes “a simple detour is all it takes to rediscover joy”. He has five suggestions to help with your detour:
- Rediscover old hobbies, but add a new twist or approach. For instance, if you used to love painting, try a new style or medium.
- Embrace the unexpected. You never know what it may add.
- Learn a new skill. Something you always wanted to try, ranging from origami to a PhD, to . . . it’s about what fits you.
- Transform passive interest into active pursuits. Instead of reading about or watching television about things, go investigate comparable interests live—that could include historical sites, cultural events or whatever fits your interests.
- Have mini adventures. They can be spontaneous quick getaways or more extensive projects. You choose.
Or you can simply follow the Frank method. Gungor notes, “No matter what life delivers, Frank throws himself into it. And he’s a blast to watch. Whether it’s front-door guard duty, eating, sleeping, going outside or playing, he is fully present in the moment.”
Fully present in the moment is an excellent goal.
The big-dog lie
Gungor warns that: “The you-need-to-be-a-big-dog-to-matter story leads one to believe that worth is determined by beauty, money, position, etcetera. If that’s true, then we are compelled to do all we can to get as much of that stuff as possible.
“Before you buy into the big-dog lie, give it careful thought. Big dogs put their confidence in things that impress other big dogs. Admittedly, such things are easy to notice, but they are external. They don’t tell you who a big dog really is on the inside. It’s what’s inside that counts most. And there’s another problem: when externals matter too much, it makes you weird.”
The big message? “Forget about big. Abandon your longing for the spectacular.”
How we see ourselves is important. “Research tells us that healthy relationships are key to our wellbeing, but we often overlook the one that we all have in common: our relationship with ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves is so ubiquitous that we may take it for granted, though arguably it might be the one that we should attend to the most.”
Having said that, Dr Susanna Wu-Pong Calvert, psychologist and leadership coach, confesses that, “Even if someone had told me years ago that I should care for myself as I would any other cherished loved one, I’m sure I would have had to discover it the hard way.” She has since forgiven herself for her weakness back then. “Now, like a good friend, I do not make assumptions about what my true self wants, needs or feels. Rather, I really stop and listen to my heart and soul.”
Being who you are
As Gungor has emphasised, we all have an innate desire for the spectacular, to take on the world. With Frank, he’s discovered that “the small dog exhibits the kind of endurance that will make a difference in the world; it refuses to cash in—it pushes past quitting points. What are some of those quitting points? And how do we learn to keep going—or just hang on—when everything in us wants to give up?” It’s who he is.
The message? Whether you’re a “big dog” or a “small dog” it’s who you are that’s important.
And being who you are pays off, says counsellor Suzanne Degges-White. That begins with “feeling confident and comfortable in your own skin takes a lot less effort than play-acting someone else’s idea, or your idea, of who you should be”.
She adds:
“One of the powers of authenticity is that we don’t worry so much about the people who don’t like who we are. When we’re not trying to be someone else, we can accept that not everyone will appreciate who we are and what we stand for.”
And there is this bonus, adds Degges-White: “‘When you do you’ it gives those around you the opportunity to be themselves, as well.” That’s a win-win situation.
You do matter
“It’s hard for us to grasp the idea that we matter just because we are, not because we stand out in some unique, masterful way,” says Gungor. “Even Frank isn’t loved in our family because he’s the most amazing dog on the planet. Sure, he knows some cool tricks and he does sing along when we sing (which makes us laugh), but that’s not why we love him. We love him because he’s Frank. He’s our puppy—an old one—but still our puppy. And we love our puppy.”
Mattering is important for humans too. Writer Polly Campbell writes that research shows “that those who believe they count for something are more capable of achieving their goals. They are happier in their relationships and act with greater self-compassion. On the flipside, those who don’t feel as though they matter to anyone are more likely to suffer from burnout, anxiety and depression. They also run the risk of aggressive behaviour and self-harm.”
Mattering helps in “both increasing your sense of value and letting others know they matter to you—it’s about participating. Show up consistently. Elevate the energy in every room you enter. You don’t have to be loud or boisterous to make a positive difference, but adding value by making others feel noticed and appreciated is an active thing.”
Sharing gratitude and appreciation fits here as does helping others and allowing others to help you. In short, Campbell urges us to understand that “everyone counts. Everyone is important. When we remind others that they matter then we matter too.”
Live a life that matters
Gungor reckons that we ordinary humans can—and should—follow Frank’s approach. “Frank loves his life. He doesn’t dread Mondays, and he doesn’t live for the weekend. In his world, every day is a new opportunity, something to look forward to, and a new day to experience happiness, contentment and joy.”
That’s Frank—he’s living a life that matters to him.
Where are you at with what matters?
Psychology professor Lizabeth Roemer says that “by reflecting on what matters to us, we can actively choose to add in actions that are more rewarding. We can take a moment to connect to someone on our way to work, or add reading or physical activity into our daily routines, or pause to notice our environment in the midst of a busy day.
“Being clear about what matters to us can also bring a sense of satisfaction to daily tasks. We can approach making breakfast or doing the dishes as a chore, or we can connect these tasks to caring for ourselves, our home, and/or our families and experience a moment of satisfaction as we act consistent with this value of care.
“Taking time to reflect on what matters to us can help us to make choices in moments throughout our day that enhance our lives.
“So, take a few moments to reflect on various domains in your life—in relationships, at school, at work, in community, and with regard to self-care and fun—and see if you can identify one or two (non-goal-oriented!) values you hold that can serve as a compass for you.”
Gungor adds the following as a challenge: “Decide that your life is going to matter—no matter how big or small you are. Act, speak and engage using all the persistence, courage, vision and faith you can muster—master the small-dog life, and you will live a life that’s hard to ignore.”
And it’s a good reminder that you don’t have to be a big dog to make a difference.
