Before the age of two, most children think the world revolves around them. From their point of view, what they think and how they feel must be what others think and feel, too. They don’t have the concept that other people have different needs and perspectives. It’s why if they can’t see you when they’re playing hide-and-seek, they believe you surely can’t see them.
At around two years old, they start developing what psychologists term “theory of mind”. Put simply, they start to recognise they are individuals, separate and distinct from other people. As their theory of mind forms, they begin to understand people can and will judge them on their behaviour and react to that perception accordingly. They start developing a fear of judgement or become self-conscious.
Theory of mind and fear of judgement are not necessarily bad things. Children can become more sensitive, considerate and thoughtful because they are able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. When taken in the right dosage, the knowledge that you are being judged can spur you on to become a better person.
Sensitivity to the perception of judgement can, however, get out of hand. In worst case scenarios, children can become depressed, anxious and avoid circumstances in which judgement is anticipated. In these instances, here are four tips:
1. Remind them of their value
Explicitly and implicitly reinforce your child’s value and belonging with you as their primary safe haven in life. Remind them of the things you and their family appreciate and value about them.
2. Give them important mirrors
Our views of ourselves and the world (what researchers call “models of the self and other”) are largely formed through interactions with important others. Parents are our first and most important mirrors: we look at them and their response to us tells us who we are. Educate your child about how different people can “bounce back” different views, and sometimes this is more about those people themselves than your child or what they’re doing.
3. Engage self-compassion and empathy
When your child experiences judgement (real or perceived), support them to practise speaking kindly to themselves when processing the experience. Encourage them to explore if there is an alternative explanation.
4. Seek help
Sometimes, children and families really benefit from sessions with a child or family therapist to further explore and shift the negative models of self and other underlying judgement sensitivity.
