Studies indicate that most people experience at least one traumatic event in their lifetime, whether physical or psychological.
Physical trauma—including injuries from accidents, suicide attempts, and acts of violence—is the leading cause of death in the United States,[1] followed by chronic illnesses such as cancer and cardiovascular disease. At the same time, traumatic experiences can have a profound impact on mental health, contributing to psychological disorders or slowing emotional and cognitive development.
It is crucial to recognize that trauma is not solely the result of extreme or horrific events. Implicit memory[2] can store distressing and moderately negative yet repeated experiences. Psychological trauma is closely linked to how an individual perceives and processes negative events. Its effects can manifest in all aspects of interpersonal relationships, particularly affecting romantic partnerships.
Trauma: “splitting” or involuntary dissociation
Psychological trauma can be understood as an involuntary disconnection from oneself during moments of intense emotional stress—when a person’s capacity for emotional regulation is overwhelmed. This phenomenon, also known as intrapersonal “splitting,” reflects an internal fragmentation, a separation between intense emotional reactions and the conscious awareness of them.
Trauma is not necessarily the event itself but rather an individual’s response to it. This response is shaped by personality, self-image, emotional stability, and personal perception. As a result, two people may react very differently to the same traumatic event—whether it be an accident, a disaster, violence, or abandonment. Moreover, the tendency to deny or downplay traumatic experiences can intensify their impact, leading to deeper emotional wounds and long-term mental health challenges.
For example, a child’s response to domestic violence can have a profound effect on their future relationships. Self-protective behaviors developed in childhood—such as trying to become “invisible” during parental conflicts—can lead to relational difficulties in adulthood. When faced with situations that remind them of their past, such as raised voices or confrontation, these individuals may react instinctively, avoiding conflict, shutting down communication, or responding abruptly. For them, experiences that seem ordinary to others can feel like threats to their emotional security because of the trauma.
Dissociation—a process in which the brain disconnects from reality in moments of extreme threat—can be seen as a survival mechanism. In this sense, trauma functions both as a defense mechanism and as an adaptive strategy in response to danger. This process reflects the brain’s ability to shield us from the immediate effects of a traumatic event, granting us the time we need to adapt and survive in difficult circumstances.
The past frozen in our present
Psychological trauma pushes the traumatic event into oblivion, yet at the same time, by embedding it in unconscious automatic responses, it turns the memory into something long-lasting—perhaps even permanent. A hidden memory. Each time a similar traumatic context arises, these automatic responses trigger the same survival-driven behavior.
Trauma, survival, and healing
Traumatic experiences create a psychological divide, separating the mind into three distinct areas: the healthy zone, the survival zone, and the traumatized zone.
The healthy zone refers to the parts of the psyche that remain functional—empathy, responsibility, aspects of emotional self-regulation, and aspects related to an accurate perception of reality. This component, governed by the prefrontal cortex, plays a crucial role in the healing process.
The survival zone consists of unconscious mechanisms that shield us from suffering beyond our conscious ability to cope. These include denial, blaming others, suppressing traumatic memories, ignoring symptoms, or adopting excessive optimism as a way to reject reality. This zone also encompasses tendencies like focusing on others as a form of escape from personal struggles or self-martyrdom.
The traumatized self retains the memory of trauma within the psyche, embedding emotions, reactions, and behaviors tied to the age at which the trauma occurred. As a result, the past continues to exist in our unconscious present, influencing our behavior.
Healing trauma through forgiveness
While trauma can manifest as depression, anxiety, irritability, insomnia, and other issues, forgiveness offers relief—it alleviates insomnia, improves heart health, lowers blood sugar levels, enhances mood, liberates and heals. However, healing must come before forgiveness, or forgiveness is the culmination of healing. One cannot truly forgive until they have healed or forgiven themselves. Forgiveness requires acknowledging the problem and a willingness to resolve it—this is the first step toward recovery.
Family serves as a space where healing is nurtured through gentleness and empathy, making forgiveness more accessible. The mutual affection between partners in a relationship creates the ideal environment for healing to take place.
We need both to be forgiven and to forgive. Our ability to extend forgiveness is often shaped by the forgiveness we receive, reflecting the idea that being forgiven can deepen our capacity to love and, in turn, to forgive others. Those who recognize and acknowledge the magnitude of the forgiveness they have received tend to develop a deeper appreciation for this act, viewing it as a precious and undeserved gift. This awareness of one’s own mistakes and the forgiveness granted can expand and enrich the expression of love through the act of forgiving. Recognizing our own imperfections and experiencing forgiveness fosters humility, regret, and a desire for reconciliation, all of which contribute to the development of a deeper and more genuine love.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told His listeners that there is nothing remarkable about loving or forgiving those within one’s own family or those who do good to us. Even non-believers do the same; this is a natural response, found even in the animal world. The true measure of love is revealed in the ability to forgive in difficult circumstances, including forgiving one’s enemies. However, family remains the space where we first learn about forgiveness and healing, where forgiveness comes more naturally. Love does not mean finding a perfect person but rather accepting and moving beyond the mistakes of those we hold dear.
In human relationships, mistakes are inevitable, but the health of a relationship is not defined by the absence of errors; rather, it is determined by the willingness to repair them. The foundation for building and maintaining strong relationships lies in the “miracle of forgiveness”—the ability to overcome mistakes and move forward in a constructive and loving way.
Time doesn’t heal everything
Time alone does not heal trauma or automatically bring forgiveness; it may only dull the pain and resentment. Buried traumas, hidden in the subconscious, require constant—albeit unconscious—mental effort to keep them suppressed. Over time, the accumulation of these unprocessed emotions can ultimately lead to an overwhelming emotional crisis.
A traumatized memory remains trapped in the past, preventing growth and change. In contrast, a healthy memory adapts and evolves with time and life experiences. Forgiveness is not about forgetting; rather, it involves facing the pain, healing, and learning from experiences to allow transformation. Forgetting as a result of healing can be a sign of forgiveness, but true forgiveness requires recognition and transformation.
Self-serving forgiveness
Forgiveness rooted in forgetting falls into the category of self-serving forgiveness—it does not contribute to true healing. When we refuse to forgive, we harm our own well-being, sacrificing peace, joy, and diminish our personal qualities. On the other hand, forgiving for selfish reasons can bring a sense of self-satisfaction—the feeling of admiring oneself for choosing love over resentment.
Forgiveness in romantic relationships should be selfless, not a tool for personal gain. True forgiveness is an act of generosity—it is given for the benefit of the one being forgiven. It is a deliberate, conscious choice. Forgiveness must be sought, offered, and expressed. It does not happen passively or by default.
Self-serving forgiveness can stem from a variety of motives. Some forgive to feed their own sense of superiority, to free themselves from emotional burdens, to exact subtle revenge, or to assert our superiority, which remains unshaken by the shortcomings of those around us, and so on.
Divine-inspired forgiveness, however, is something entirely different. We forgive for the sake of the person we are forgiving. It is offered out of empathy and love, with the goal of easing another’s burden of guilt. Therefore, forgiveness must always be verbalized, given as a gift through communication. We express our forgiveness verbally, but we also convey it through our future actions.
Why do we sometimes choose not to forgive?
There is a natural human tendency to feel a sense of superiority when granting forgiveness. Choosing not to forgive can create the illusion of control. Yet, in reality, people are forgiven even if we refuse to forgive them. True forgiveness does not liberate the other person as much as it frees us from the weight of resentment and bitterness. When we choose to forgive, we often find that we are the ones who benefit most.
Often, the refusal to forgive stems from a desire to remain in the role of the victim, resistance to change, or a need to place blame. In some cases, this can even become a manipulative strategy—especially in relationships—where adopting a victim mentality serves as a means of control or influence over a partner.
On the other hand, those who refuse to forgive may spiral into bitterness and cynicism, attempting to “fix the world” from a self-centered perspective. This approach does not bring positive change; instead, it serves as a vehicle for selfishness and self-justification.
Forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing
Healing often involves reconciliation, but this should not come at any cost or without recognizing the associated sacrifices. While forgiveness leads to reconciliation, sometimes reconciliation is not possible. Forgiveness is only the first step toward reconciliation; the other half depends on the partner, who must accept the forgiveness, offer it, or forgive themselves. The true sign of forgiveness is transformation and remorse. In situations where the abuser refuses to change and abusive behaviors continue, staying together can be dangerous.
On the other hand, reconciliation without forgiveness is equally harmful. Nothing good comes from repressed feelings. Healing and reconciliation require dialogue, negotiation, empathy, and a willingness to resolve the issue. Ignoring the problem only leads to the accumulation of dissatisfaction and frustration, further driving people apart. Strangers living together.
Healing trauma
Healing from trauma often involves re-living the traumatic experience in controlled conditions and at the appropriate time. This process requires reactivating the implicit memory, now with the emotional and psychological resources of an adult, in order to process and feel the original emotions experienced during the trauma, while accepting and embracing the reality of the events. As a gradual and delicate process, healing demands patience and time, allowing the individual to confront the trauma in a safe and therapeutic way.
Ștefăniţă Poenariu discusses how we carry with us into our families the “frozen past” of trauma. The journey from survival to healing is not straightforward. Confronting the past, forgiveness, and reconciliation with oneself or others are the therapeutic dimensions that ultimately set us free.
