Assertive behaviour: a remedy for poor communication

I believe that every Eastern European has, at some point, realised when meeting a Westerner that their interaction could be improved if they were more open themselves, as the foreigner usually is.[1][2]

There is something in our way of being and reacting that creates barriers to communication, even if language is not an impediment.

This “something” was all too evident in the years after 1990, when there was a lack of cohesion between individuals and groups at the societal level, a lack of willingness and/or ability to adhere to common goals, act in unison, and above all, a lack of mutual trust and respect. These shortcomings stemmed from hypocritical and ideologised civic education, in which leaders mimicked success, the working class mimicked involvement, children mimicked a “pioneering spirit” and official rhetoric mimicked effectiveness in social progress. However, deep down, most individuals could feel that they did not matter as members of the community in which they lived and that their civic influence would remain zero for an indefinite period of time. No one was interested in educating these individuals, who were isolated and indistinguishable, to become responsible and active citizens, capable of organising themselves and campaigning for something good, because that would have meant the very end of the totalitarian political regime.

These shortcomings in civic education delayed the launch of constructive individual or group initiatives, honest and large-scale businesses, and lucid and well-intentioned political measures after the revolution of December 1989.

The most visible handicap, however, was the historical inability to effectively articulate what is called “civil society”—a concept that the political analyst Silviu Brucan, paraphrasing Caragiale, described as being “superb, but completely absent” in our country. A functional civil society comprises the non-political part of society and is made up of individuals from various categories (e.g. age, profession, gender), as well as citizens, activists, associations, foundations, civic organisations, companies, the press (not affiliated with any political party) and trade unions. All of these groups participate in the public sphere and engage in dialogue about the common good. They express their legitimate needs and aspirations, negotiating with the political sphere to achieve objectives of public interest that emerge as a result of these negotiations.

This natural and perpetual negotiation in a democratic regime is ineffective if we lack the skills to communicate in public and private spheres, organise ourselves, show solidarity, be consistent, open and proactive, and defend our rights—in other words, be assertive.

What is assertive behaviour, and what purpose does it serve?

The word “assertive” comes from the word “assertion”, meaning “statement”. Assertive behaviour involves a series of skills, attitudes, and actions, such as openly and frankly stating what we think and feel; expressing our opinions on issues under discussion in good faith; taking responsibility for our opinions and the consequences of our attitudes; knowing and defending our rights; associating with or distancing ourselves from the opinions and attitudes of others, while respecting their rights and freedoms; adjusting our energy and responsiveness to the circumstances and our goals; and acting with principle. As can be seen, assertive behaviour includes critical thinking, which we have discussed in numerous articles, as well as character traits developed through education. It is the translation of qualities and virtues that we do not naturally possess into observable external circumstances.

We perceive this lack when interacting with assertive people, particularly foreigners with a tradition of decades of assertive behaviour, whether at work, in teams, in hierarchical relationships, or in public contexts such as cultural events, civic and professional initiatives, competitions, job interviews, shows, symposiums and conferences.

Below, we present the views of two American authors, Steven Stein and Howard Book[3], on assertiveness as part of emotional intelligence—the intelligence that considers not only the intellect and reason of individuals, but also their emotional state.

The authors also report on the failures experienced by their “patients” in real-life situations before they underwent assertiveness training, and then on their successes in similar contexts after “treatment”. People become more relaxed at work or in public, become more “visible” and are appreciated for their performance, experience a blossoming of their personality, discover new skills and talents and become more creative. Furthermore, much of the burden of unspoken thoughts, judgements and assumptions about others disappears, as does concern for what others think of them. Everything comes to light, old wounds heal and chronic problems are resolved. Healthier interactions also emerge in couples’ or family relationships, and between friends, neighbours, colleagues, and co-workers. These interactions are based on common principles and mutually beneficial goals. Respect for personal space, lifestyle, beliefs, values and convictions increases, as does the possibility of collaborating on non-conflicting issues.

The main mistakes to avoid, with which we may identify to some extent, are: either passivity or excessive emotionality inherited from adolescence that is inappropriate for adulthood; a childish or frivolous approach to serious issues; excessive zeal or reactivity in public or in groups (e.g. exuberance, anger, aggression or pathos); or the impermissible transgression of the roles and statuses of those involved (e.g. someone may be your relative, but at school they are your teacher and must be treated as such; someone was your schoolmate, but is now mayor or MP, so the relationship must change; someone is your enemy, but now you are working on the same project with a common goal.).

Those with an introverted temperament tend to allow themselves to be manipulated, hold back protests against certain abuses, accumulate frustrations and anxieties, or give in to opinions and attitudes because they are timid and then regret it.

Another harmful attitude is negativity and prejudice. This involves refusing to seek solutions, judging people from the outset, and labelling them based on past actions without considering the possibility of change for the better or granting them what is known in legal jargon as “presumption of innocence”. We are familiar with the remarks of public officials, authorities and even office colleagues: “It can’t be done”, “It’s not the right time” (without assessing the situation); “Who does she think she is?” (regarding a new colleague); “What does he want now?” (about a new boss who hasn’t asked for anything yet); or “Look who’s talking!” (a character attack instead of a reasoned response to what the person has said).

There are assertiveness exercises in which we are taught to refuse a proposal we do not agree with without using any negative language, but only positive affirmations. We are also trained to limit ourselves to actions when criticising something rather than impressions or assumptions. We are encouraged to communicate to those around us how their actions make us feel. If we point out a problem, we should also propose practical, fact-based solutions that specify what each person involved should do.

We should understand that improving the social climate benefits us all, no matter how selfish we may be. It is precisely to feel better about ourselves that we need to make these concessions for the common good. Just as it is necessary for everyone to respect traffic rules to ensure that the system functions optimally, so too must we respect each other to ensure that the social system functions optimally. As social beings, humans cannot be too selfish because it will backfire, either immediately or over time.

These necessary changes take time and require us to pay attention to ourselves, put ourselves on the spot, and examine ourselves for our own good. This increases our chances of happiness in this life and in this world.

What can be done?

Although 35 years have passed since the 1989 Revolution, our education system still fails to teach assertive behaviour. This is because schools have no institutional commitment to creating courses and workshops on assertiveness. A change in this area would be most welcome, and those in a position to effect change should take the initiative. Perhaps this will come from civil society groups including teachers, parents, and children who are eager for this change and will negotiate with school inspectorates and the Ministry of Education.

There are also online trainers offering short courses on this topic for adults and children. Let us hope that these become more frequent.

However, the most immediate and feasible solution lies with each of us: educating ourselves through what we read and applying it to ourselves. We must also pass this knowledge on to others to help them evolve as social beings for their own benefit and the common good. If we all become aware of the importance of communication and collaboration in an assertive spirit, the benefits will be visible and widespread quickly.

Many dysfunctions relating not only to communication, but also to cooperation, actions and results, could disappear if we took better care of ourselves, our character and behaviour, and learned effective techniques, such as those provided by assertiveness training.

This is an example of Mahatma Gandhi’s famous saying: “Be the change you want to see in the world!”