How the most difficult season of my marriage taught me to trust in the power of prayer.
“All I can do is pray and hope.” With those words, I ended an article on infertility. After years of marriage and not one pregnancy, I did one of the only things I could do to help me process the fact that my wife and I might never have children: I wrote about it.
The piece was part lament, part prayer, part attempt to share our pain so others who were in the same situation could feel seen and understood, rather than alone. So, with my wife’s blessing, I shared our pain. It was one of the most raw articles I’d written to that point. It was real.
And we were praying. Every day, in whatever way we could, we prayed. And once the article went out, so did others. From around the world, we received messages of support. People were praying for us and with us. No longer were our prayers for a child relegated to the dark of our bedroom—hundreds of others joined us in prayer.
We felt seen—by family, by friends, even by strangers. People messaged us, sharing their hearts as well as their stories of overcoming, of miracles and of heartache, as not everyone gets what they pray for.
It was still hard—especially having to be ready to have emotional conversations with people I’d never met before as I travelled to events in my role—though it was also healing, knowing that others had walked that path before, hearing their stories and their heartaches, knowing we weren’t alone.
The article released in April 2018. While we continued to pray, we also did what we could. We sought medical help, consulting our doctors to start the process of tackling my wife’s PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) to address the problems we could control.
In January 2019, we committed to going vegan to lose weight. We sought out treatment options like IVF, which couldn’t start until we’d lost a certain amount of weight. I committed to a campaign raising money for health which led to walking the Kokoda Track in late July that year. And so, we committed to the process, fasting, praying and doing the right things for our health.
In March 2020, as Australia went into lockdown and began the uncertainty that was the Covid-19 pandemic, my wife and I brought home our baby girl and spent six beautiful months isolated in our bubble of love, cherishing the answer to our prayers.
What is prayer?
From the outset, it is important to define prayer. Prayer is not some magical incantation or ritual that, if you get the formula right, will provide all your dreams. Prayer is a conversation, a process of seeking to commune with the Divine. It is not a wish list for Santa, sharing all the things you want and waiting for something to happen. Sometimes it is the groaning of your heart when words can’t articulate what you need.
Wikipedia puts it this way: “Prayer is an invocation or act that seeks to activate a rapport with an object of worship through deliberate communication.”
This formal definition is functional and tells us a few things. Prayer is more than words. It can be actions, it is deliberate and it seeks interaction, so it can be a two-way conversation. If you believe in prayer like I do, prayer is communication and includes the possibility that God might respond—even if you don’t like how He does so.
In the process of praying for a child, I felt myself changing. I felt the doubt and fear I was experiencing turn into peace. I found myself better able to process and let go of my own expectations and come to terms with the fact that I might never be a father. In my experiences, sometimes prayer does not change the situation as much as it changes the one who prays, making them better equipped to handle the situation.
Prayer can look different for different people. For some, it is words spoken out loud. For others it might be abstaining from food or distractions for a certain period of time to focus the mind and seek clarity. It could be mindfulness and meditation (Psalm 1:1–3), journaling your experiences or even tears and tantrums—if directed to God and petitioning Him, these things can all be considered prayer.
But maybe you’ve never prayed before and don’t know how to start? It may feel overwhelming, especially if you’ve got a problem and are seeking answers. Books have been written, sermons preached and podcasts recorded with “secrets” to unlocking the power, “formulas” for effective prayer and more.
In my experience it can be simple. And it starts with you. Are you ready? Just try.
Just do it
Jesus taught His disciples to pray and He gave them this promise: “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” (Mark 11:24). Now, an important disclaimer: I believe in the power of prayer. I believe it works and that God does answer our prayers. But sometimes He says, “No”. Sometimes He says, “Wait”. Sometimes we don’t get answers we expect or thought we wanted.
Recently I was praying about a massive decision for me and my family. I committed to fasting and was asking God for a sign. As I talked to God in the car that morning, I felt the impression that God had already given me the answer. I knew what to do, because of the pattern of things that had been happening in my life that answered a series of prayers my wife and I had been praying. It was a big, scary step, an answer that was completely different to what we had been praying for, but at the same time, God definitely answered the intentional prayers we had been praying. It was just something we never expected or thought possible. That’s the thing with God. He’s not a genie ready to grant our wishes. Sometimes His answers are unexpected. But I do believe He answers.
The Old Testament prophet Isaiah encourages his people to “Seek the LORD while he may be found; call upon him while he is near…” but he warns us, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD” (Isaiah 55:6, 8). I cannot tell you how your prayers will turn out. But I encourage you: if there is something on your heart, something bothering you or something you just can’t get answers to, God is ready to listen. At the very least, you can get it off your chest and know that it will be heard. However, it may also just change everything.
When I look back at the most difficult times of my life, they have always included prayer. Often, when I reach the end of myself, run out of strength and control, prayer is where I turn when there’s nothing else I can do. They’ve been desperate prayers but looking back I can see how God has answered each and every one of them. Maybe you don’t even know if you believe in God right now, but I would encourage you to try prayer. You’ve got nothing to lose. It might just be a helpful mindfulness session, proven to have health benefits, or it might put you in touch with the Creator of the universe, who is waiting to hear from you.
“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11).
