More and more people are choosing cohabitation over marriage. Many young people believe that cohabiting helps them to make better decisions about marriage by giving the couple a chance to “practise” before making a lifelong commitment. There is also a belief that cohabiting before marriage reduces the likelihood of marital problems or divorce.
According to studies in the US, more than 60% of couples live together before marriage, and many more cohabit rather than marry. The rate of cohabitation increases among those who are divorced. Many find that living together for a limited time is a good way to test the relationship. There are many reasons for this, from fear of commitment to not believing in the relationship itself.
Myth or reality?
A study led by Casey E. Copen and colleagues[1] seems to show that there is no negative effect of cohabitation on marriage longevity: engaged couples who cohabit before legalising their relationship are just as likely to have a marriage that lasts 15 years (in other words, the same risk of divorce) as couples who did not cohabit before marriage.
However, before drawing any conclusions, it should be noted that this study does not look at cohabitation per se, but at first marriages among Americans, based on data from other studies.
Cohabitation before marriage is only a small part of the analysis within the whole report and the conclusions are based on a single study and therefore cannot be considered sufficient. The current psycho-sociological paradigm is based on numerous studies linking premarital cohabitation with an increased risk of divorce.
Moreover, even Copen’s study confirms some differences in marriage longevity between couples who cohabit before marriage and those who do not: “Women who cohabited with their first husband—regardless of whether they were engaged when they began living together—had lower probabilities of marriage survival at 20 years than women who did not cohabit before marriage with their first husband.”
Another important caveat is that this research does not include cases of “serial cohabitation”—people who lived with more than one partner before meeting their partner. This is very important because the divorce rate in this case is twice as high as for people who lived with only one partner before marriage (according to Glen T. Staton).
Where the scales tip
Numerous other sociological studies have shown that people who cohabit before marriage have less satisfying marriages and are more likely to separate.
Galena K. Rhoades and her colleagues[2] looked at divorce rates among different types of couples. Couples who cohabited before engagement or marriage reported being dissatisfied with their marriages and had higher rates of separation/divorce than other couples. As such, from the survey data, divorce was mentioned by:
– 19% of those cohabiting before engagement;
– 12% of those who cohabited after engagement;
– 10% of those who did not cohabit before marriage.
In the long run, cohabitation destabilises the couple, leads to increased conflict and, at a societal level, increases the number of divorces.
According to the same researchers, cohabiting relationships are characterised by low satisfaction, negative communication, and increased psychological aggression compared to relationships between partners who did not live together before marriage.[3] In terms of the quality of the relationship between the partners, even if the frequency of intimate relations temporarily increases in cohabitation, interpersonal commitment decreases.
The verdict is irrevocable
One of the pitfalls of cohabitation is the impression that you get all the benefits of marriage plus the freedom to choose. In reality, however, the longer and more satisfying the cohabiting relationship becomes from the perspective of both or at least one partner, the more difficult it becomes to take the step towards marriage.
Postponement may be caused by feelings of insecurity or waiting for certain unsatisfactory issues to be resolved before taking the next step. Another possible stumbling block is the fear that a more suitable person might be found at the end of a trial-and-error search. Such a process ultimately leads to emotional exhaustion. The conclusion? “He/she is not the right person either…and I tried”.
While marriage means, “I want you completely, for better or worse, and I give myself completely to you,” cohabitation sends the message, “I’m not very sure. We could give it a try; let’s see what happens.” These are therefore completely different scenarios, which cannot possibly follow each other. This is clearly demonstrated by sociological studies which have concluded that cohabiting before marriage is not ideal.
