Both specialist research and common experience tell us how complicated it is when children reach adolescence. Dr Bryan Craig helps us to understand the reasons for this and how to turn the crisis into an opportunity for growth.
It’s typical for teenagers to challenge authority, to test boundaries. As parents, sometimes we can’t believe our ears when we hear what’s on their minds. Either we pick a fight, insulting and blaming them, or we’re so sad and hurt that we shut down and can’t say anything. We feel that we are at the end of our wits and that all is lost.
You describe the parent who feels challenged as a parent. Such a parent focuses on himself and forgets about the teenager. Teenagers see this immediately and feel entitled to enter the fray. If you’re going to have conflict, you’re going to have a lot of conflict. Usually they’ll outlast you.
It’s interesting that a lot of the research on adolescent identity shows that if parents don’t dialogue and support them emotionally, they have a hard time resolving their identity. Some of them rebel. It is their way of saying that they reject their parents and their values. It’s as if they can’t wait to be told to leave the family because they’ve rebelled.
So that’s what they want.
Yes. They may or may not be aware of it, but it happens. Others say, “I’m in conflict with mum and dad. Because I respect them, I will wait. For now I will do what they tell me.” But when they go away to study or leave home for other reasons and are no longer under the guardianship of their parents, they start doing what they have wanted to do since they were teenagers. They’re 25 and they’re making all these decisions, and everybody asks, “What happened to them? They were model teenagers and now they are being reckless!” In reality, they had put off certain actions.
That’s why having a relationship is so important. We have to learn how to work together, how to talk to children. Often teenagers stop communicating. They become withdrawn and preoccupied with their own lives. Parents have to learn how to keep talking to them. It’s not about nagging and talking too much, but parents need to keep the conversation open, show interest and have a close relationship with them so they know what’s going on.
I have worked with many troubled teenagers. I remember one mother who brought her daughter to talk to me. For 20 minutes the mother criticised the girl in front of me. She talked about her irresponsible behaviour, her lack of cooperation, her bad grades, the fact that she was on drugs, and so on. She had reason to complain. After 20 minutes she said, “I have a lot more to say!” I said, “Thank you. I think I’ve got the big picture. Now I’d like to talk to your daughter alone.” When I started, she wouldn’t even look at me. She stared at the floor for 10 minutes while I asked her questions. I must have asked her 100 questions and got no answers. I realised I was treating her like her mother, so I stopped.
Mum was blaming her; you were asking her questions.
I changed my tone and said, “I know it’s very hard for you to live in this family.” She raised her head; it was the first time she had done so. “It is. How did you figure that out?” she asked. Then, because I had found a way into her heart, she began to talk to me. She told me about the pain in her heart and all the planning she had done to beat her mother at this game. When her mother stopped treating her that way, her behaviour changed immediately. Teenagers often tell you how they feel by the way they behave. This is called demonstrative behaviour.
What do they do to send such a message?
All sorts of things. I mentioned that they don’t respect authority, they don’t think about the consequences of some of their actions. But it’s not because they can’t, it’s because they’re busy challenging boundaries. This leads them to do risky things. They take risks just to find out where the line is. Sometimes they want to be different from their parents through different music, a different way of having fun. It’s their way of saying, “Look, I’m different. I have the power to choose.”
Can you talk about clothing and haircuts? Parents are very upset and feel that all the education they have given, all the good advice, all the care, all the concern has gone to waste. Is this true? If teenagers change their hairstyle, does that mean that their parents have taught them all these things for nothing?
I think in most cases that’s an exaggeration. Teenagers are looking for something new, trying to find their identity. How could you change your image more easily than by changing your hairstyle or clothes? The group of friends is very influential. Young people don’t want to be like mum and dad, they want to be like themselves or their friends. The group of friends is very important, like a bridge from childhood to adulthood.
Parents are frightened and think that when a child starts dressing only in black, goth, or with different hair, they are signaling that they are rebelling against good judgment and the values of the family. In most cases this is not true. As these physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual changes take place, teenagers want to find the place that fits them. Sometimes they find their identity in ways that parents cannot understand. Teenagers feel that they are lost. They are no longer children, but they are not yet adults and are therefore prone to depression. We often look at their behaviour, which expresses how they feel, and say: “This child has rebelled, he won’t listen.” What they are really saying is that they are facing challenges, they are dealing with loss and they are suffering from depression. We often think it’s rebellious behaviour when it’s actually depression.
I remember one teenager who started doing risky things to show how he was feeling. He had very low self-esteem. He was depressed. He’d gotten a girl from school pregnant, he’d stolen money to buy drugs, he’d been kicked out of school. He lived with his mother, who raised him on her own. Once he was picked up by the police for shoplifting. He came to me because he was in trouble. Actually, his mother sent him. I talked to him and said: “Help me understand why you choose to do these things. You’re an intelligent young man. I know you didn’t do it for fun.” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “Why did you steal if you had money?” He said, “I don’t know.” We started talking about it and he said, “Even my friends tell me I’m no good: you couldn’t even rob a shop. You got caught.”
He wanted to prove that he could do something. He had been shoplifting for six months and had never been caught. He said, “See? I’m good. I could steal without getting caught. Then I got caught.” I asked him, “Was there ever a time in your life when you felt in control?” After he said yes, I asked, “When?” “I’m not going to tell you because you’re going to tell Mum.” I assured him that I would keep it in confidence. “When I take my mum’s car and go into a bend at 100km/h, I struggle to centre the car and when I manage to do it, it feels amazing!” “You really like adventure!” I remarked, to which he added, “It makes me feel in control. Nothing else gives me that feeling. Otherwise I don’t feel in control of my life.”
At this age, many young people are asking themselves difficult questions: “Who am I? What am I capable of? How will people react to what I do? What will my life be like? What is good? What’s bad?” Parents don’t see that these children are going through a critical time and keep telling them, “Brush your teeth! Button your shirt! Don’t be late for school! Don’t spill your milk!” It’s children’s stuff…
Teenagers ask themselves difficult questions and nobody knows what’s going on in their minds or that all these emotional changes are taking place. I remember once saying to a teenager, “I get the impression that you’re depressed when you think about what’s going on and you’re experiencing these emotions.” He replied, “I’m not depressed. My mother is depressed, not me.” I realised that he didn’t know how to talk about his feelings. Everything that was happening frightened him. When I asked him: “When you have the emotions you have now, what colour do you see in yourself?” His answer was “black.” He was able to identify the colour of his feelings very quickly.
Young people don’t understand a lot of things that happen to them. But I think we can make their lives easier, help them to describe, understand and experience new things that make sense, that they understand. This will help them to find out who they are and where they are going in life.
You mentioned that this boy said his mother was depressed. He was probably right.
Yes, he was right. I think many parents face depression and despair and feel helpless at this time.
What can we parents do to be strong and healthy? Depressed, desperate, weak parents who would rather run away from the hell they have at home cannot deal with these young people full of energy and crazy ideas. They need energy and strength to deal with this situation.
I think your question is very good and it raises two issues. The first is that parents need to be self regulated in order to be good parents. In other words, if they are struggling with other issues, they will not have the resources to be there for their teenager.
The second is that parents who want to understand what’s going on need to try to connect, to listen. They should not withdraw and feel hurt, but they should be open to the teenagers and listen to what’s happening to them and what they’re experiencing. It is important to continue the conversation and to communicate, to express themselves. They should not do this in an authoritarian way, from the position of a parent. They should try to open the conversation, to listen and understand, to honestly express their point of view, which may be different. But the dialogue must be maintained. Parents should try to cooperate, not argue. They should not say “no” all the time. This will be interpreted as an attempt to defend themselves because they feel defeated.
Parents should show interest in what their teenagers are doing and in their friends. If they show no interest and reject their friends, they also reject the teenagers. Parents must express their values, but also allow their children to question those values and even to adopt different ones. In doing so, parents maintain the relationship with their teens and provide a solid foundation on which they can build their identity. This period of the youth’s search for identity should be a time of growth, a time when the parents themselves find new meaning and new maturity.
Without these mind-opening challenges and situations, parents will not be able to grow.
You reminded me of a remark made by Carolyn Saarni, who wrote a book on emotional competence. She says that all our relationships are transactional. When we are in a relationship, you influence me and I influence you. If we are open to that influence, we grow, we change, we evolve, we mature. We are influenced by people who love us and we are also influenced by people who refuse to love us. You are right that in this conversation, in this interaction, in this transaction that takes place between parent and child, the parent is also changed. We try as much as we can to avoid being transformed and changed. “I am fine the way I am. I don’t want to change. I have to change you.” But if both parties are willing to change, they can grow together.
Challenges and new issues raised by young people put a strain on the mother-father bond. There may have been differences in parenting styles when the children were little, but they managed to overcome them. Now these differences are on a different scale and have different consequences. What can be done?
I have seen many situations where the young person’s behaviour has alienated the parents. Perhaps the adolescent gets on better with one parent because he or she is more tolerant, more forgiving. The teen feels more comfortable and has a closer relationship with that parent, which further alienates the other parent.
We know from research that marital satisfaction is at its lowest when children are teenagers. There’s a lot going on, the child sides with one of the parents, there’s always something going on that changes the family dynamic. Mum and dad no longer have the energy and time for each other, so they become estranged. Some marriages break up at this time.
I have in mind a couple I met a few years ago who had two teenagers. The two parents had different views on parenting and parenting styles and the teenagers drove them apart. Their marriage was destroyed because they could not accept the differences in the way they were raising their children. They felt betrayed, so they argued and had conflicts that destroyed their marriage.
What can you tell parents and teenagers to encourage them?
Again, if the parents have a good relationship with the teenager, I think this time will be beneficial not only for the teenager but also for the parents. If you find it difficult, I would advise you to seek help. This is not a sign that you are weak or that you have failed. Talk to someone who can help you understand what is going on and how to take a different approach that will work.
Thank you so much! It has been a pleasure to be with you and to have this conversation.
