My body felt like it was on fire, as if someone had pierced my skin with thousands of burning needles, and I could barely breathe. Fear had crept into my life some time before, following me like a shadow that drained my soul and stole my precious moments of peace.
Minute by minute, my identity was fading, dissolving into a mist of happy memories long gone. In its place, a frightened little child who felt like she was fighting a dragon had taken its place. Joy had been replaced by worry and peace by fear.
From despair to peace
I had been in Croatia for a few weeks, taking part in an international study programme, when I began to experience these feelings. Until then, I had never known fear. I had grown up in a Christian family and had always been optimistic and happy. So, when dark thoughts began to arise, I did not initially know how to deal with them.
I even felt guilty for what I was feeling. If I loved God, I should have peace, I told myself. I had learnt about God all my life and was aware of the cosmic war between good and evil, but I did not understand how real it was until then. Being far from home intensified my emotions, and my longing for my loved ones deepened with each passing day. So, the news that my family were coming to visit filled my heart with warm joy. However, my hope was suddenly overshadowed by echoes of despair, propelling me into a dizzying spiral of images of crashed planes, death, and suffering. How could I trust God when dark thoughts seemed more vivid and powerful than the reality I was living in?
“For I know the plans I have for you. . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
On the hardest nights, I would often fall asleep hugging my Bible and repeating God’s promise, “For I know the plans I have for you. . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). His word was my shield, and I was determined to let Him fight for me. Even though I couldn’t see any hope, I held on to all the moments when God had shown me that He was always with me over the years.
“Lord,” I began to pray, “I know you have the power to heal me. You died for me and rose again. You have already conquered death and fear. That is why I entrust my whole life to You. Do with it what you will! Take control of my mind! I am tired of fighting, and I no longer have the strength, but I trust in you. Thank you for taking care of me and my loved ones. I love you. Amen!”
My family’s visit was a gift from God, showing me that He loves me. The planes did not crash, dark thoughts were replaced by comfort, and fear gradually turned into peace. This was not an instant healing, but the beginning of profound encounters with God. In my desperate search for peace, I found Jesus and His divine touch healed me. I had asked Him to change my circumstances, believing that this would bring me joy and peace. However, He knew better; it was not my life that needed to change, but my heart.
Ten thousand metres above fear
Three years have passed since that moment, and God has once again given me the opportunity to study abroad this year—this time in Sweden. I had long dreamed of attending a Swedish summer school, but to make that dream come true, I had to surrender my fear completely to Jesus and trust that He would know what to do with it. “Lord,” I said, “I don’t feel ready, but you know me. If you think I’m ready, I’ll go. I won’t let fear decide for me anymore. I choose to trust You.”
Memories of dark thoughts tried to assert themselves, but, surprisingly, they no longer had any power. At 10,000 metres above the Earth, I experience that indescribable peace I had prayed for for so long. Tears of victory and gratitude rolled down my cheeks. I opened my handbag, carefully taking out the journal containing my letters to God and began to write to Him. I thanked Him for keeping His word.
I could see the promises of God that I had memorised from Scripture over the previous three years coming true. The One who introduced Himself as “I Am” was beside me, as He had been at every moment until now. I could feel Him embracing me and hear Him gently whispering, “Do not fear, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10), “I have summoned you by name; you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1), and “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3). Comforted in the embrace of heaven, I found God again and, with Him, myself. The identity that had been stolen from me was restored by the One who gave birth to me out of love, through the Word.
The love that heals
So, what exactly is fear? Does it not mean separation from God? What if the opposite of fear is not courage, but faith? What if trusting in God means accepting His perfect, eternal love, in which there is no fear? After all, it was He who told us that “there is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). This is why our hearts need to change, so that we can receive divine love. God does not blame us for our feelings, but invites us to surrender them to Him. His touch transforms our suffering into a blessing. Thus, our faith in Him becomes an echo of His love. “We love because He first loved us” wrote John in 1 John 4:19. This is why doubting His love brings fear, and even a hint of doubt can separate us from God. Conversely, when we accept His love, complete forgiveness and ultimate sacrifice on the cross, we have peace because we know we are loved. His presence embraces us, heals us.
I look out of the window. The earth, a proud planet among the stars of the universe, seems insignificant when viewed from above the clouds. And yet, it is so loved. How could I not trust in God’s love when He sees and knows everything? Flying 10,000 metres above the Earth, I feel at peace. I am not alone. Jesus is with me. I am home. Embraced. Loved. Healed. The sun’s scattered rays caress my serene face. His light has transformed the echoes of darkness into echoes of light. Here, close to Him, I am surrounded by light.
Rahela Tudorie reflects on her journey of facing fear and finding God’s peace. She concludes that true healing comes from transforming the heart through faith, not from changing external circumstances.
