Talking to your children about death can be an act of love. You can’t take away their pain with a simple conversation, but you can give them something just as important: truth wrapped in gentleness, the reassurance and relief that they are not alone in their grief, and even the hope that sees beyond the loss.
Like a nuclear explosion capable of rearranging the topography for miles around the hypocentre, the death of a loved one changes everything around it. The house seems empty, the days pass without meaning and no routine seems to make sense. As adults we feel crushed. But when you’re a child, your confusion stems from a multitude of unknowns that you wrap around yourself as best you can, in the form of questions that are as simple as they are distressing to the adults around you: Where did he go? When is he coming back? Am I going to die too?
What not to tell them
Faced with the questions of the young and the very young, the instinctive reaction of many of us is either to sugarcoat the situation or to avoid the subject altogether—to deflect in any way possible. But neither lying nor omitting helps in the long run; confusing metaphors can actually do harm, and silence robs the little ones of the comfort they need as much as a grieving adult.
Fortunately, psychologists have studied the process by which children come to understand death and have found ways to help them cope with their grief and gradually regain their balance despite the change they have experienced. There is no perfect way to have these conversations, but there are parenting approaches that can make the difference between healthy grief and silent, lonely grief.
Keep the language as concrete as possible
When talking about the person who died, it is best to avoid expressions such as “he’s resting” or “he’s crossed over.” To avoid confusion about permanence and to prevent the children from associating their sleep with death, use the concrete “has died.”
The use of such a concrete term seems blunt and unsettling, but factual language helps children to distinguish death from their everyday experiences of sleeping, going somewhere, resting, etc. When we say that someone has died, we make it clear that their body is no longer functioning. The dead person is not breathing, moving, eating or drinking. The dead person does not rejoice or grieve. His heart stops beating.
For those who retain the hope of seeing their loved one again in some sense in the future, it may be tempting to put things in less categorical terms. But making it clear that we won’t see each other again tomorrow or next week honours the child’s need for concreteness. Later on, we can more easily develop the idea that although we cannot see the deceased now, we are convinced that we will see them again someday.
Acknowledge permanence
Young children need to understand that death is not something that passes, like an illness from which you will recover. Simple phrases such as, “Her heart stopped beating and she can’t breathe anymore” help them to understand that the body not only stops working, but that this is permanent.
Although we don’t expect the person to return during our normal routine, we have hope that we will meet again one day. Through this combination of honesty and gentleness, we help children to gradually build a more stable sense of reality and to feel safe in the midst of change that can be overwhelming even for an adult, not just a child.
Take into account the child’s stage of development
Don’t force 2-6 year old children to understand that death is permanent. Their minds are not yet able to process it fully because they do not have the necessary capacity for abstraction. Remain consistent in gently conveying the truth, but without trying to cement the concept of permanence in the child’s mind. This will come in time as they grow.
Having confidence in the divine plan of salvation, it is natural for Christians to want to reassure their children that this separation will not last forever. However, it may be helpful to emphasise first the part about the deceased not returning to everyday life, before adding hints of future hope. This approach respects the child’s level of understanding and also helps them to adjust to the immediate truth.
Counter magical thinking
Sometimes it may be necessary to say categorically and specifically, “It wasn’t your fault” to counter the child’s belief that their thoughts/actions caused their loved one’s death.
Children naturally see themselves as the centre of events, so it can be easy for them to believe that a loved one’s death could be related to something they did, said or even felt. If we make it clear: “It wasn’t your fault and there was nothing you could have done,” we help them not to collapse under the weight of their own thoughts. It is important to ask them open-ended questions to see if they are harbouring such burdensome associations.
For Christian children, magical thinking might take the form of a correlation such as “God punished me, so He took my dad away from me.” That’s why it’s important for Christian families to remind children that loss is an inherent part of our world, not a personal punishment. Sometimes, by naming their fears (“You might have wondered if this happened because you were angry with Grandma”) we can deconstruct children’s worries and rebuild their assurance that they are protected even when they are sad.
Talk about the particularities of funeral customs
Attending a funeral or memorial service can upset children if they are not prepared. Giving calm explanations (“There will be people dressed in black”, “You should know that some may cry loudly because they are very sad”) gives them a sense of control in an unfamiliar environment. Then it’s good for children to know technical details beforehand, such as “The coffin is where the body lies, but the person doesn’t feel anything.” This practical preparation helps them to cope in an environment where feelings can be so overwhelming that attending the funeral can be emotionally devastating for a child.
The ceremony surrounding the burial of the deceased can also be conducted in a positive spirit, with the family remembering the life of the loved one with gratitude, recalling significant events shared by family members, and emphasising the expectation of reunion in the Resurrection. But even with such an expectation, it is important to focus on what the child is seeing, hearing and experiencing in the moment, because this builds their immediate reality, which is the most natural place for them to anchor themselves.
Normalise asking questions
As children process the concept of death (which pushes their capacity for abstraction to the limit), it is good to expect repeated questions such as “When is Daddy coming back?”, “Is Uncle coming to the school function?”
Children often need to ask the same question several times. Each repetition signals that they don’t yet understand what death really means. It can be hard to be patient, especially when you’re dealing with your own grief, but a consistent, compassionate approach (“Daddy’s not coming back now because his body has stopped working”) helps them piece together a new understanding.
As Christians, we can combine these concrete elements with the idea that although in our daily lives we may not see our loved ones again, we have the conviction that this will happen when Christ returns. This balance between the repetition of facts and the hopeful promise is in keeping with the child’s development.
Use play therapy
When we encourage drawing or role-playing with toys, we are helping children to express feelings they don’t yet have words for or can’t yet express.
Play is a child’s natural language, especially when words seem big and scary. Saying to a child, “Draw what you feel” or giving them the opportunity to role play with dolls can be a way of expressing grief that they cannot express in any other way. Your child can organise mini funerals for their stuffed animals or draw pictures of angels and clouds.
Let your children explain their creations to you. But remember that this activity is less about interpreting a work of art and more about providing a safe space for feelings. Let your little one lead the comments and just be there to reassure them that everything they are feeling is normal.
Take on the role of “mirror of grief”
Say to your child, “I’m sad too,” while you show them how you cope: “When I miss my mum, I look at pictures of her.”
Children watch the adults around them to learn how to cope with sadness. If they see you crying but still carrying out normal daily tasks, they’ll learn that it’s OK to be sad and still be able to function. Sharing something you do to ease your grief with your child, such as flipping through photo albums or preserving a special keepsake, shows them ways to honour the memories and ease the pain.
Another healthy expression of grief is to seek comfort in moments of prayer or quiet meditation. By being open with your child about these spiritual practices, you are not imposing your beliefs on them, but showing them that you are not hiding your feelings of loss. In this way, the child learns that pain is not something to be ashamed of, but part of what it means to love.
Maintain routines as much as possible
It is beneficial to keep eating and sleeping times as consistent as possible, despite and even during periods of distress.
Loss is destabilising in itself, but children thrive on structure. Sticking to a normal schedule—even if it feels forced—reassures them that the world is still safe and predictable. Familiar routines, such as bath time and bedtime stories, can be reassuring, reminding them that while one thing has changed, other parts of their lives remain constant.
It’s important, for example, not to give up praying before meals and before bed. These shared practices become an emotional anchor, and consistent practice is like a gentle hug in the midst of grief.
Create the positive memory reflex
In order to maintain a positive connection with the past in the absence of the loved one, it is helpful to use expressions of fondness, affection, and gratitude for what was experienced: “Let’s remember how Grandpa taught you to fish!”
Memories help children keep a loved one close to their hearts without expecting that person to walk through the door tomorrow. Sharing everyday stories—such as the way Grandpa used to whistle while making breakfast—allows children to maintain a special connection with the person who has died. Looking at photos together or revisiting a favourite park can keep those memories vivid and pleasant.
It’s important to teach children that remembering is not about dwelling on the loss, but about celebrating what the person who is no longer with us has brought to our lives that is good and precious. This perspective allows children to feel both the sadness of missing someone and the comfort of cherished moments.
The light that remains
In the midst of questions and tears, we can be a comfort to our children by telling them the truth and speaking with hope. We can comfort them by allowing them to experience their pain, while showing them that love does not die and that memories are bridges between what we are experiencing now and what we once experienced.
And above all, we can comfort them by teaching them that God does not leave us alone in our suffering—that although the death of a loved one hurts us, tears are not the sign of an irreparable loss, but of a love that does not die. A love which, by the grace of Christ, will one day have an answer again.
