While it can be healthy to be aware of other people’s judgement—we can adjust our behaviour to become more pro-social—sensitivity to the perception of judgement can get out of hand. In worst case scenarios, children can become depressed, anxious and avoid settings in which judgement is anticipated. Here are some strategies to help, as shared by clinical psychologist Katie Kjelsaas.
1. Remind them of their value
Explicitly and implicitly reinforce your child’s value and belonging with you. Wrap them in unconditional love. Remind them we love them because of who they are, not what they achieve.
2. Give them important mirrors
Our views of ourselves and the world are largely formed through interactions with important others. Educate your child about this “mirror method” humans use to form their views of self. Importantly, let them know that different mirrors can bounce back different views, and that sometimes this is more about the mirror than the person looking into it!
Ask them about the “mirrors” that are most important to them (friends, family), and what they’re currently seeing beamed back. Encourage them to draw on a diversity of “mirrors” and support them to keep their reflections balanced—not just focusing on the “negative” or “judgemental” cues they perceive, but consciously seeking out neutral and positive ones too.
3. Engage self-compassion
When your child experiences judgement (real or perceived), support them to practise speaking kindly to themselves when processing the experience. Some questions they might ask themselves about the experience could include:
What did I perceive here?
Is there another explanation?
What can I learn from this?
What is still valuable about me?
4. Encourage empathy
Teach them to choose kind words and actions. Find opportunities to discuss how someone else might feel. Look for everyday opportunities to reach out to others: a smile, opening a door, giving up a seat, letting someone else go to the front of the line or pulling in a neighbour’s bin.
5. Seek help
Sometimes, children and families really benefit from sessions with a child or family therapist to further explore and shift the negative models of self and other underlying judgement sensitivity.
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