Many of us probably know at least one manipulative person — or perhaps we’ve even caught ourselves falling into that category. But do we really know when this tendency to control or influence others becomes harmful? And more importantly, how can we deal with manipulative people?
Most of us have heard of so-called “toxic friends” or “toxic people”—those who exert a negative influence on those around them. According to psychologists, manipulative individuals fall squarely into this group. At first glance, they may seem charming—friendly, open, extroverted, seductive, cultured, even altruistic—qualities that make their manipulation more effective. But manipulators can also be shy, authoritarian, or even tyrannical, and their influence should never be underestimated.
“Each of us has the tendency to be manipulative at times, but there’s a big difference between occasionally manipulating someone and being manipulative all the time,” says French psychologist Isabelle Nazare-Aga, quoted by psychologies.com.
Author of the book Manipulators Are Among Us, Nazare-Aga argues that anyone can be a manipulator—an acquaintance, a coworker, a friend, or even a family member. She explains that such people depend on others to feel valuable and superior—a dynamic that “drains” those around them, leaving them feeling used, anxious, frustrated, and resentful.
How can we recognise manipulators?
Nazare-Aga highlights several traits common to manipulative people: self-pity, frequent guilt-tripping, constant criticism of others, lack of responsibility, inconsistency, dishonesty, jealousy, and ambiguous communication.
According to psychologytoday.com, manipulators are skilled at convincing others to give more than they do in a relationship. They often present themselves as “friends”—someone you can confide in—encouraging you to share your problems and vulnerabilities, only to later use that information against you.
Isabelle Nazare-Aga argues that manipulators are often unaware of the harm they cause. They lack the ability to recognise the suffering of others. They use people purely to satisfy their own needs, she says. There is no clear answer to the question, “Are manipulators born or made?” However, experts recommend addressing manipulative tendencies early, if they appear in childhood, because as a person grows older, such behaviors become much harder—if not impossible—to correct.
How do you know it’s a problem?
Before looking for solutions, it’s essential to recognise when you’re being manipulated. Here are a few signs:
- If you feel there’s an imbalance in how much you and your friend share about yourselves.
- If you find yourself always offering help, while your friend is never around when you need support.
- If you feel your friend’s needs and priorities are always more important than your own.
- If other friends have expressed concern about your relationship with this person.
Recommendations
- Learn to distinguish between persuasion and pressure. Persuasion occurs when someone presents logical arguments for a particular option while still leaving you free to choose. But when that person resorts to lies, exaggeration, or emotional drama to limit your freedom of choice, it becomes pressure.
- Set boundaries. When someone tries to exert control over you, the healthiest response is to establish clear boundaries that they cannot cross.
- Learn to say “no.” We can’t change the people around us—only ourselves. Since we can’t transform those with manipulative tendencies, we can change how we respond to them. Learning to say “no” firmly but tactfully allows you to defend your rights while maintaining the relationship.
- Stop seeking others’ approval. Of course, we all need validation, but it shouldn’t become essential to our sense of self. When dealing with a manipulative person, they can easily exploit your need for approval to gain control over you.
- Use time and distance to your advantage. Manipulators often demand immediate answers to increase pressure and maintain control. The best strategy is to take a step back—create distance and allow yourself time to think before responding.
- Confront your aggressor. Psychological manipulators target those they perceive as weak. The more control they gain, the more they want. That’s why it’s important to confront them in a safe environment and in the presence of supportive, positive people, notes psychologies.ro.
- Ask the right questions. When a manipulator makes demands, we’re often tempted to prioritise their needs over our own. In such moments, it’s crucial to ask yourself: Is this request reasonable? Is it fair? Do I have a say in this situation, or am I just following orders? Is this a demand or a request? What do I stand to gain from this?
Healthy relationships share an important principle with the world of business: the concept of Return on Investment (ROI). A successful business is one where the benefits outweigh—or at least match—the resources invested. Likewise, a successful relationship is one in which the time and energy you invest promise a sense of stability and reward. A true friendship thrives on commitment, support, and loyalty, maintaining a healthy balance and harmony between the acts of giving and receiving.
