In two editions of our show, we talked to Johnnathan Ward about his long career as a chaplain. Given his many years as a military chaplain, we touched on difficult topics such as: Does the presence of a Christian chaplain in the military mean that God approves of military operations? How does a military chaplain serve in a conflict situation?
In this article, however, I will present to the readers of Signs of the Times the discussion about the 15 years he spent as a paediatric oncology hospital chaplain.
What is particularly challenging about working with children and their families when they are facing terminal illnesses, especially in the final stages?
When we talk about paediatrics, we are actually referring to a very wide age range, from newborns to around 20 years old. One of the most difficult experiences I had was shortly after becoming a paediatric chaplain. I was called to the cardiac intensive care unit, where there was a newborn baby. When I approached the baby girl’s bedside, I saw that she had a wide strip of adhesive tape over her heart and could see her heart beating. I stopped, turned around and left. I wasn’t ready for that.
No matter how many trauma cases you had worked with, it was still too much.
I think it was particularly difficult because it was a child. However, I had trained to work in paediatrics and had seen the diseases that children can suffer from. Working in oncology, I saw a lot of children with cancer. Seeing them go through that was very difficult. In the first six months, my stress levels were extremely high. I had never experienced such emotions relating to sick children in pain before, or their parents sitting by their bedsides every day, begging God for a miracle and bargaining with Him. It was hard to see them struggle when they saw life leaving their child’s body.
There is a belief that children should not die before their parents.
Of course. But in that place, it happens all the time. I think losing a child is one of the most heartbreaking experiences a parent can have. I read in a book that women cry in two ways that are different from any other kind of crying: once when they give birth, and once when their child dies. I saw mothers and fathers who were told that nothing could be done. When doctors had to inform them of their child’s death, I saw mothers screaming in a way that echoed through the hospital walls. I also saw mothers who were so quiet that they just collapsed on the floor, no longer having the strength to shed tears—they just sobbed uncontrollably. I saw fathers who punched the wall so hard that they broke the bones in their hands after learning of the loss of their child, and others who cried uncontrollably.
It’s very difficult for men because we like to solve problems. However, in this case, you can’t solve anything.
That’s right, there are things you can’t solve.
Let’s return to the emotional states experienced by those who care for these children.
I think that, to work with children, you have to take care of your own emotional health, because they can have a huge emotional impact on you. When you see an adult with cancer, a blood disease, or another terminal illness, you feel compassion, but you also think, “This person has lived their life; they’re an adult. We’ll do everything we can to help them survive, but we don’t know what will happen.” But when we see children dying, it’s harder. It is important to take care of yourself and process your emotions with professionals and your colleagues so that you can focus on your work.
What can you do for these devoted parents whose children are suffering?
I remind parents that they need to take care of themselves. They devote themselves body and soul to their children; they don’t even want to leave the hospital or their children’s bedsides. They exhaust themselves. I have to tell them that, in order to support their children as best they can, they need to go home, sleep, eat, and drink enough water. They also need to carry on with their lives because they can’t stop.
They fear that something might happen when they are not there.
Yes. I always tell these parents, “This is now a journey of faith for you. Do you trust God? If you’re afraid to leave your child’s bedside in case something happens in your absence, does that show you trust Him?”
You cannot control everything.
Of course not. Sitting by the bedside 24/7 will not prevent or stop the illness, but it will take its toll on you. Parents need to trust God because He is prepared for any outcome.
That’s easier said than done.
Certainly. And it’s a long process.
At first, parents tend to deny reality. It takes time.
I think it’s similar to the process described by Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She spoke of five stages. When a child is diagnosed with cancer, their parents often experience denial, anger, and bargaining. In many families, feelings of guilt arise: “What did we do wrong? How could we have prevented this?”
People want to understand what happened and who is to blame.
Yes. They try to negotiate: “God, I’ll take this illness if it means my child will be healed!”
When a child has cancer, is it always possible to identify the cause? Are things ever clear?
I don’t think so. Especially when it comes to children, we don’t understand the reasons well enough. What I try to do is help parents to focus on the present. I encourage them to ask themselves how they can help their child to feel more comfortable and to live as normal a life as possible. I urge them to celebrate their child’s life for as long as they have it and to continue to hope. As long as the child is breathing and their heart is beating, they must hope. I always tell parents that they need two things to get through the moment their child is diagnosed with cancer: good medicine and lots of prayers.
They need both.
They need God’s strength because He gave people the knowledge to practise medicine. They also need prayers to bring them closer to God in those conversations that only they and He can understand.
This is precisely the sensitive point. People need to place blame or responsibility on someone. If they are not responsible, then who else but God? What should be done when parents blame God?
While it may be tempting to tell them, “It’s not His fault, you’re wrong!”, or “Stop talking like that, or God will punish you!” this would be inappropriate. When I was a child, I was always told, “Never doubt God! Never ask why! Accept the situation!” But I have come to believe that God is greater than that. He allowed Job to ask why.
To ask many questions.
Job didn’t understand. “I’ve been a good man. I’ve taken care of my family. I talk about you wherever I go.” However, he didn’t fully understand God’s plan, so God helped him to understand. God didn’t tell him to shut up. Instead, He allowed him to speak. After Job and his friends had spoken, God said, “Now I want you to listen to me. I will help you understand what is happening.” I think this is exactly what God does in those quiet moments with parents when He gives them a peace that only He can provide. However, I think it’s okay to doubt God and ask why. I think it’s okay to question Him and to be angry with Him; He is big enough to understand.
Dare to repeat that?
Yes, He is big enough to understand this, to understand our doubts about Him.
So He welcomes our doubts.
I think so because He knows we don’t understand why things happen in this world. Of course, it all started with sin. Centuries ago, Adam and Eve made a decision that brought misfortune upon us, which we are still living with until God returns and changes the situation. But there are things we do not know or understand. In Deuteronomy 29:29, we read: “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.” This is so that we may listen to and follow Him.
We must accept that we do not know everything and that God has not shared everything with us.
Another text, from Isaiah, shows that God’s thoughts and ways are different to mine. He is holy and I am not. I am a sinner. Although I have been transformed and forgiven and am becoming like Christ, I still have human weaknesses and a limited mind. I cannot see the end from the beginning like God can, nor can I go as far as He can.
Therefore, I always encourage parents to acknowledge that we cannot always comprehend God’s will and providence, yet we must trust in Him. When I was sixteen, a woman whose son was one of my best friends said to us while she was on her deathbed: “God is too good and too wise to make a mistake. I will trust Him until I die.” I will never forget that.
When we have doubts about or are angry with God, we tend to either rebuke Him or distance ourselves from Him. What better option is there than trying to set Him straight or distancing ourselves from Him?
I can share my approach with you. As a chaplain, my role is all about presence. We support people through their most difficult moments. Our role is not to guide or lead them in a certain direction, but to simply be there for them, to listen to them and support them through whatever they are experiencing. To be a silent companion or a compassionate listener. Our role is to listen to people’s experiences and keep secret their most personal thoughts, perhaps even disturbing and tormenting ones.
When we are there in silence as a symbol of God’s presence, perhaps saying the right words, we enable people to open up about their thoughts and emotions. We don’t confront, redirect, or judge them; we stand by them in those difficult moments and say, “I won’t leave you. I’m here. You are troubled, and during this time, we will go through it together.” I have cried, become angry and suffered alongside many patients and their families.
So it’s okay to be silent. We tend to criticise Job’s friends for remaining silent for so long, but they were showing compassion.
Yes. I think we often lose sight of that. I’m very glad you mentioned it. Job’s friends came to support him through a very difficult time. There were times when they talked a lot and times when they sat in silence by his side. The fact that they remained by his side in the midst of his suffering, illness, and doubts is very telling.
Perhaps they helped him most when they were silent, giving him the opportunity to cry and express his feelings.
Yes. Sometimes, in difficult times, we just need people to be there for us without saying anything. I think there are times when the greatest gift you can give someone is silence. Just being there and staying by their side.
Can you share with us a situation that made a big impression on you?
I was amazed by the resilience of the children. Some had sickle cell disease, which is accompanied by excruciating pain, while others had undergone bone marrow transplants. Resilience means having the inner strength to recover and move forward when the situation is difficult. It means being strong and continuing to laugh, find joy, and maintain harmony and balance in life. That is how we become resilient.
We could think of a rubber band. It is flexible and can return to its original shape.
Yes. That difficult moment has an impact on you, but you recover. I have seen children go through exhausting investigations and painful treatments, and then recover and play in the hallway.
I would often encourage their parents by saying, “Your child is very resilient. They can endure a lot and bounce back with a smile on their face.” Then I would add, “Where do you think they got that from? From you.” The parents were encouraged because they knew their little ones had picked up this trait from them, either at birth or through their upbringing. I often saw children teaching their parents spiritual lessons. I once received a call to the paediatric intensive care unit where there was a nine-year-old child who was not going to make it, a fact that was known to us all. She was a small, sweet little girl. Her parents, brothers, and sisters were sitting next to her. We were in the intensive care unit and she had little time left to live. The doctor, nurses, and myself were there, along with others. Her mother was holding her in her arms and the little girl was breathing more heavily. Looking at her mother, she said, “Mummy, my time has come. It’s going to be okay.” A few minutes later, she stopped breathing.
She taught us all a valuable lesson, which helped her parents and all of us after she was gone. She had prepared her mother for the inevitable, saying, “It’s going to be okay.” I remember her saying it with a smile. Many of these children also end up having a close relationship with Jesus Christ due to their early maturity.
Let’s talk more about this.
A friend and I wrote a book about children who are suffering. We both met children who had an incredible bond with Jesus. It seemed that Jesus also had an amazing relationship with them. They often said that they saw angels and talked to Jesus, who told them things and that they interacted with unseen realities. While we may be inclined to doubt, let’s not forget that these are children and teenagers who are not accustomed to discussing religion. In those moments, we hear their testimony about what they have seen and heard about paradise and their experiences with angels and Jesus, who comforts them by holding their hands. This is how I came to understand and accept that Jesus has a special relationship with children in those moments, and vice versa. I believe this special support is what God offers them in those devastating moments.
An interesting, albeit perhaps a little irreverent, story came to mind that I dare to tell in this context. During an art class, the teacher went from student to student to look at their drawings. Looking at a little girl’s sketches, he couldn’t understand what they were about, so he asked her, “What are you drawing here?” “A portrait of God,” she replied. “But people don’t know what He looks like.” The girl’s answer left him speechless: “They’ll find out as soon as I’m done!”
Yes, in the context of our discussion, this becomes a very serious matter. Through their innocence and limited experience of their relationship with Christ, they can teach us things about God that we do not know. Jesus said that we must be like children. In the Bible, He gave special revelations to children, such as Samuel and Joseph, who heard the voice of God when adults did not.
Thank you! You have allowed us to walk with you on this sacred ground, trodden by children who enrich and enlighten us in a unique way, even though they die tragically young.
