If you’re unhappy in your relationship, do you think that formalising it with a marriage certificate will finally bring you happiness? The ever-increasing divorce rate is no coincidence, and experts emphasise the importance of taking a realistic approach to marriage.
Needless to say, most people constantly strive for fulfilment and happiness. Love is one of the most important and powerful sources of fulfilment and happiness. As the editor of the “Modern Love” column for the New York Times for over twenty years, Daniel Jones has researched more than fifty thousand love stories and just as many fundamental questions. But perhaps the most common were: “How do I find love?” among young people, and “How do I find love again?” among those who have been through a complicated marriage.
Firstly, it is inaccurate to say, “those who have been through a complicated marriage”, because every marriage is complicated in its own way—there is no such thing as a headache-free marriage. Secondly, Jones says that those in the second category are not actually looking for love, but for the attention, passion, and carefree happiness that characterise the beginning of a relationship. What they are actually looking for is a selfish, misunderstood happiness that takes without giving, and which is often the very cause of conflict and destabilisation in a relationship.
In reality, marriage has more to do with boredom, routine, cyclical arguments and repetitive conversations than with the kind of happiness described above.
So, what happens in marriage?
In short, the magic of the beginning is replaced by routine, patience by impatience and kind words by hurtful remarks and accusations. “Usually, the breakdown of a relationship begins and unfolds gradually, almost imperceptibly. Neither emotional nor physical separation occurs suddenly. In most cases, marriage undergoes a long process of deterioration, which can take months or even years,” writes George Uba in Divorce: The Consequence of Marriage?
Psychologist and marriage expert Dr John Gottman identifies four signs that a marriage is in imminent danger. His methods predict the chances of divorce in marriages where these four signs are present with 94% accuracy:
—Criticism: Expressing dissatisfaction with or to your partner.
—Defensiveness: “I’m on guard. You are the enemy, and I don’t want you near me.”
—Contempt: When walls of contempt are erected, anger ensues. Anger can also multiply contempt. This disagreement and divergence drives the partner away.
—Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down, or refusing to engage. This can be both emotional and physical distancing from the situation and from the other person.
What do people in unhappy marriages do?
Everyone who chooses to marry knows both happiness and the unhappiness caused by a dysfunctional relationship. In these circumstances, people resort to a series of tricks, which Jones classifies under three broad categories.
The first category includes people who seek happiness elsewhere in order to continue accepting an unhappy marriage. They neither rejoice nor grieve when thinking about their situation, but simply redirect their attention to other distractions. They stay with their partners only physically; they no longer listen to or participate in discussions. They are the ones who have extramarital affairs or who are constantly online, chatting with former college or high school sweethearts they found on Facebook. Once reconnected with such a person, their imagination runs wild and they ask themselves questions such as: “Shall we meet for a drink?”, “What if I had stayed with her/him?”, “Is it too late now to be together?”, and so on. The complexity and emotional consequences of going from a casual meeting to a “happy ending” inspired by daydreaming on Facebook are difficult to predict. According to Jones’ experience, this is one of the most common dilemmas faced by people who are unhappy in their marriages.
The second category consists of “fixers”, people who, when faced with a problem, have a serious discussion about it and come up with a plan of action. They set goals and do everything they can to achieve them. They soon discover that the most recommended strategy for regaining lost passion, partly due to the weight of routine, is to make the relationship more routine: evenings out, hours of therapy, dance classes, flowers on Fridays, and so on. For some couples, these strategies work, or at least they create a few more pleasant memories. Just as sports, clubs and events organised for young people keep them away from drugs and other illicit activities, these new activities will prevent some from seeking fulfilment outside their marriage and will offer healthier alternatives.
The last category is the resigned: those who choose not to focus too much on their unfulfilled desires; who accept their marriage for what it is; and who find a way to feel good about it. These are the people who realise they have something to be grateful for. They love their partner and their family. They have a home and a good job, so what good would it do to feel sorry for themselves? After all, no one can have everything. While we might be tempted to suggest that the resigned are in denial, they are not. They see no point in complaining when they have succeeded in terms of marriage, family and work. However, the category of the resigned is very broad. At one end are those who are bitterly resigned and see no point in making any effort; at the other end are those who are gratefully resigned. Based on his extensive experience, Jones concludes that it is the latter who form the healthiest and happiest married couples.
