The beginning of a romantic relationship is often sweet and exciting, full of novelty, enthusiasm, and the thrill of discovery. These early stages create a sense of well-being that leaves little room for doubt. At this point, each partner tends to downplay their weaknesses and highlight their strengths.
This isn’t about dishonesty or deceit. Rather, it’s the natural way people act when attracted to someone—they want to put their best foot forward and make a good impression.
While first impressions are important, they are often challenged as you get to know someone more deeply. In relationships, the image of a partner may evolve over time, often revealing traits or patterns that weren’t initially apparent.
That’s why it’s important, before fully committing to a romantic relationship, to go through a phase of getting to know each other. Taking time to understand your partner can help reduce the risk of potential disappointment. A relaxed approach—one that is unhurried and doesn’t skip important stages—also protects against forming so-called “toxic relationships,” where partners harm one another or themselves because they don’t know how to manage the imbalances that can arise in a relationship.
The right person
This leads to the question: “How do I know if the person I want to start a journey with is the right one for me?” Beyond physical attraction, butterflies in your stomach, or fantasising about the future, there are several signs that indicate the potential for a genuine, lasting connection.
A simple yet telling sign is that the person’s presence in your life brings genuine fulfilment and joy. People who allow us to be ourselves—without fear of criticism, judgement, or being undervalued—are those whose company will enable us to fully express our thoughts, personalities, intentions, and preferences.
Many people believe that “chemistry” between two individuals is enough and place genuine, deep interaction on a secondary level. However, if interactions repeatedly cause discomfort, tension, or hostility, it’s worth reconsidering the situation. Is there really a chance of building a satisfying, long-term relationship with such a person?
Favouring a superficial bond over a deeper connection can lead to a relationship built on a destructive pattern—where arguments outweigh harmony and complaints are more frequent than moments of appreciation.
Managing conflict
Disagreements in a relationship are a normal occurrence and shouldn’t be seen as all-powerful forces. In a couple, conflict can be viewed as a communication breakdown, where partners unintentionally drift apart emotionally, lose the ability to empathise, or become trapped in rigid, self-centred thinking. While this description may sound bleak, it’s not the existence of conflict itself that harms a relationship, but how it is handled.
Based on common human reactions during disputes, American researchers Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann identified five styles of conflict management: competing, avoiding, accommodating, collaborating, and compromising. Among these, collaboration and compromise seem to be the most effective strategies for resolving disagreements. These approaches strengthen relationships and commitments, enhance communication, cultivate fairness, and maintain functional balance between the parties. In contrast, avoidance merely downplays the issues without addressing the root of dissatisfaction, ultimately sweeping problems under the rug.
To test compatibility, the beginning of any relationship should explore both promising areas and the grey zones of interaction. This allows couples to assess how well they can handle constructive conflict and emerge stronger.
Experts suggest that the most valuable skills for managing conflict include the ability to control stress, emotions, and behaviour, paying attention to expressed feelings, understanding and respecting differences, and using humour in tense situations.
Some traits that indicate a potential partner is adept at “fighting smart” in a relationship include:
- Tolerance for differing viewpoints;
- Peaceful, respectful responses to the other person;
- Willingness to forgive and avoid obsessively bringing up past mistakes;
- A desire to reach a common ground;
- Avoiding revenge;
- Courage to address delicate topics.
People who show tact, patience, and empathy—without resorting to accusations or insults, denying the right to reply, or impulsively labelling the other person—possess the right resources for managing conflict wisely. These traits demonstrate the maturity needed for a long-term commitment.
Attention to needs
When asked what they expect from a future partner, people usually list the traits that make up their personal ideal of a desirable man or woman. Each individual dreams of a specific physical type, seeks particular moral qualities, and resonates with certain character traits and behaviours, all of which shape the mental image used to identify the most suitable life partner.
However, in the pursuit of checking off as many of these ideal traits as possible, we risk overlooking the fundamental human qualities that truly support compatibility—the elements that give a couple the strength to function as a unified whole, striving for harmony and mutual interest.
Following this principle, we might say that we are most compatible with someone who offers us understanding and respect, paying attention to our needs. A person who is self-centred, consistently prioritising their own needs over those of their partner, will prove to be a challenging “teammate.” It takes time, of course, to observe the consistency and intensity of these tendencies and to determine if they fall into a category worthy of concern.
Naturally, everyone has a certain degree of selfishness that occasionally surfaces without significantly disrupting the balance of a relationship. However, when these tendencies cross that subjective threshold, behaviours that reveal excessive selfishness are incompatible with the goal of a peaceful life as a couple.
Self-centred behaviours can manifest in various forms, from a need for control to denying the partner’s individuality or demanding they change to suit one’s preferences. In such cases, we may even be dealing with a narcissist—someone who has an extreme self-love, disregards the feelings of others, and is prone to manipulation and deception.
Speaking on how to identify a narcissist, psychologist Andreea Enăchescu explains that they tend to steer conversations towards themselves, give the impression of listening but fail to remember important details shared previously, feel the need to flaunt material possessions, and show interest primarily in people with high social status.
For those already in a relationship with a narcissist, three irrational attitudes often stand out:
“My needs are more important than yours”– a clear lack of emotional consideration, selfishness, and manipulation.
“You’re lucky to be with me”– a sense of superiority and arrogance.
“If you criticise me, you don’t love me”– hypersensitivity to criticism.
According to psychologists, there are several other signs that reveal a relationship with a narcissist, which can be identified by answering the following questions:
- Do they behave as if they are the centre of the universe?
- Do you constantly have to compliment them just to get a little attention?
- Do they always turn the conversation back to themselves?
- Do they show little regard for what you feel or think?
- Do they completely shut down when you disagree with them?
Similarities and differences
In a relationship, differences can be seen as a positive aspect. They help maintain a sense of excitement and prevent monotony from settling in. It’s no coincidence that the saying “opposites attract” has become so ingrained in popular culture. However, when too many differences arise, especially glaring ones, they tend to create dissatisfaction and friction between the partners.
In contrast to the perfectionist standards often promoted online and elsewhere, some experts advocate for the idea of “good enough relationships.” As the name suggests, these differ from “perfect relationships” by being grounded in reality and moving away from the unattainable, even utopian, ideal.
Choosing “good enough” over perfection doesn’t mean sacrificing important expectations in a partner. Instead, it involves filtering out unrealistic demands and focusing on the essential conditions needed for a peaceful and fulfilling relationship. One essential condition, often seen as a measure of compatibility, is sharing a similar set of values, beliefs, habits, and aspirations.
The way partners view the core aspects of life—family, work, religion, and so on—shapes their future. Differing perspectives on issues like family roles (traditional versus modern), the importance and time devoted to career, or adherence to religious beliefs and practices, require constant negotiation to find a middle ground. This ongoing process demands both individuals to continually reassess their desires, reshape themselves according to the other’s needs and values—a challenging task that requires selflessness, tolerance, creativity, and a clear understanding of personal boundaries.
In this context, it’s easy to see that a relationship frequently tested by significant differences runs the risk of exhausting its options, resources, and even the desire to continue.
Security
A family should be where we first learn what it means to be protected, to feel safe. Whether we grew up in a secure environment or not strongly influences our ability to feel valuable, worthy of love, and to build healthy, trusting relationships with others.
Without a foundation rooted in this sense of safety, people become more vulnerable to others. They may enter relationships that damage their emotional well-being or accept degrading or harmful treatment from their partners. While other factors can also lead to poor choices, the outcome remains the same.
Those aware that they entered adulthood with these kinds of deficits should exercise extra caution when choosing a life partner. A high tolerance for frustration can make them more likely to overlook inappropriate behaviours, including infidelity, jealousy, or even abuse (whether psychological, emotional, physical, or otherwise).
Regardless of the stage of a relationship, any behaviour that undermines dignity or physical safety should never be ignored or excused. The FILIA Center warns about nine signs of abuse in relationships, offering guidance for recognizing classic patterns of abusive behaviour—whether in a long-term relationship or during the early stages of dating, when red flags may be less obvious:
- Silent Treatment – The abuser uses their anger as a way to punish their partner by intentionally ignoring them.
- Emotional Blackmail – The abuser threatens to leave or expose their partner’s secrets whenever they hear “no.”
- Humiliation – The abuser insults their partner with the aim of making them feel bad about themselves, causing sadness, fear, or shame.
- Manipulation – The abuser deliberately influences their partner’s emotions to control their actions or feelings.
- Jealousy – The abuser is overly suspicious of everything their partner does or says, demanding all their attention. This tactic is used to incite fear, sadness, or control.
- Control – The abuser exercises dominance over their partner, especially regarding where they go and how they dress.
- Invasion of privacy – The abuser demands access to private messages, leaving the partner feeling watched and frightened by their persistent demands.
- Isolation – The abuser prevents the partner from maintaining relationships with family and friends.
- Intimidation – The abuser instils fear in their partner, making them feel incapable of defending themselves.
Clearly, the experience of abuse negates any hope of happiness in a relationship. While abuse represents an extreme case of relationship issues, prevention is far more valuable than intervention or repair after the fact. This principle undeniably applies to preparing for a relationship. Contrary to popular belief, love is not blind. Amid promises and boundless hopes, identifying the “right person” requires time, understanding, and a practical mindset firmly grounded in reality.
Genia Ruscu holds a master’s degree in counselling in social work.
